Deep wrinkled, hollowed eyed, burned by the sun
flashes of red, crisscross onyx covered retinas.
No longer able to contain emotions,
hyperventilating, sweating, shaking, stomach flipping because I've never really liked roller coasters.
Reaching elevating highs, only to be overtaken by catapulting lows,
who in their right mind enjoys this?
Strapped in tight, blasting tunnels lit with
projections of stars, galaxies, asteroids, and other cosmological bodies,
cuz this SHIT is like outerspace,
and pretty little girls still believe in fairytales
like Cinderella, that glass slipper, Prince Charming and love.
But I'm not a little girl and I know better.
Love? Let me tell you about love,
cuz these movies, songs, and shit got it twisted!
Love isn't patient love isn't kind
And I'm not bitter I've just…been through enough to know that love is hard, love is mean, love is jealous, love is insanity , a deluge of irrationality that will have you
PM Dawn singing "I'd Die without You"
Slipping in between happiness and sadness, on the brink of an emotional coma
Suffocating, cuz his love is the only thing that resuscitates you.
And with eyes full of molten lava, you let him have his way with you
emotionally rape you, let him fuck you then fuck you over
Strip you, penetrate you, leave you naked because
The things you thought you wanted, once louder than the heavens,
are now darker than the sky.
Loving him was an unsolvable sudoku puzzle
a bunch of numbers in squares that just didn't fit.
And now there are no pictures, no letters, nothing tangible to hold onto.
Only the transitory memory of how he used to love you.
"I remember the way you used to love me" singing in my Faith Evans voice
But I'm not Faith and this isn't a love song.
This is me envisioning our bodies, trapped in a lucid dream where butterflies metamorphasize into caterpillars and gusts of wind blow away the last traces of honey flavored kisses.
Recollections of newborn, can't sleep at night kind of love, a crying baby waiting to suckle its mother 's breast kind of love
Walks in central park in the summer just because kind of love
That type of, you can't breathe without me kind of love, air that pierced your lungs with life kind of love
And you, you would marvel at my beauty like I was some type of Van Gogh, Da Vinci painting and shit.
You were "Starry Nights" and I was the "Mona Lisa".
Until the day that you weren't,
Until the day that I wasn't.
Until the day "we" ceased to exist.
Tag Archives: Love
A letter to my sister…
Sisters. They’re bratty, clingy, nosey, and sometimes just plain old evil. They look up to you, imitate you, tease you, support you, help you, and console you when your first love dumps you. They’re catty, selfish, and spiteful but for all the things they are the most important of them is that no matter how bad things seem they will always love you. The bond between sisters is one of those rare anomalies that you can never understand unless you have a sister of your own.
The relationship that I have with my sister is one that I treasure. I always say that having a sister was God’s way of giving me a best friend for life. When you’re kids trying to find your way in the world, you don’t realize that the little brat you tried so hard to avoid somehow became the love of your life. They say you are only blessed with one true love in life, if you’re lucky, maybe two. For me, my first true love was Diana.
December 30, 1979. The day my life was forever changed. With your first breath you breathed life into my world. I didn’t know it then but without you, living would be a sunless beach, a flower without scent, eyes that cannot see, a heart that doesn’t beat, hands that cannot touch or lips that cannot speak.
Inseparable since the day you were born we have grown to be more than just sisters. My one and only true love, confidante, and soul mate you are the definition of my existence. You are beauty, strength, wisdom, kindness, loyalty. You are unconditional love… You are my mirror reflecting all that I am and all that I still hope to be. You are my every dream come true. Not even Van Gogh could paint a more beautiful scene.
From childhood to womanhood you are the one constant that has never failed me. Because if I know anything it’s that you’re always on my side. If my heart stopped beating I would still live on for the heart that beats in you beats in me too. This is how strong our love is. You are my sister, you are my best friend.
I Love You But…
Relationships are something else. Those that are in one want to get out of it and those that aren’t in one want one. At this present time I know about 5 different people with relationship issues. The majority of them have found themselves single because either they or their significant other “doesn’t know what they want” right now. Oh, how I hate that explanation.
In fact, it really isn’t an explanation at all. What it is, is a cop out. They know exactly what they want. They’re just too afraid of being straight up with you and say “this just isn’t working for me and I want to move on to see if I can find something that does”. Instead of being honest they say things like the aforementioned or “it’s not you it’s me”. Give me a break. Those lines are older than Jesus himself.
I remember when I was on the dating scene I never had these issues because I’ve never had a problem saying how I feel. Anyone that really knows me knows that I am probably one of the most upfront and blunt individuals when it comes to relationships. Sometimes that gets me in trouble because I end up hurting someone’s feelings unintentionally.
When I was in high school I dated probably one of the nicest guys that I’ve ever known. I knew him for years. We literally grew up together, we knew each other since the first grade so when we started dating in high school it seemed really natural because we were friends.
He was the nicest, sweetest guy I had ever gone out with up to that point. He came from a good family, he was good looking, smart, and was completely into me and I into him. He did anything to make me happy, well back then it seemed like he did. In retrospect, we were in high school so it probably didn’t take much to make me happy but it was always the small things that really mattered to me.
Like the fact that he would travel on the hour long train ride from Brooklyn into Queens everyday after school just to see me for a couple of hours; or how we would spend hours talking on the phone whenever we weren’t with each other; or how he was always my shoulder to cry on. I was going through some personal family issues at the time and not only was he my boyfriend but he was my best friend. The bottom line is that he was always there for me. There wasn’t anything that he wouldn’t do for me but after a few months of dating and extreme stupidity, I realized that I didn’t want to be in an exclusive relationship with him anymore and I told him so. Like I said we were in high school probably 16-17 yrs old and when you’re that age it’s very easy to become distracted.
I was young, self-centered (like most of us are at that age) and I didn’t want to be tied down. When I told him that I wanted to date other people he didn’t take it well. But what would have been the alternative, stay with him and date other guys behind his back? I could have done that but I didn’t want to. I respected and cared for him too much to do that to him. Plus I knew that if I did that and he found out it would have hurt him more.
Looking back now I realize that I probably should have taken a more tactful approach at breaking up with him but sometimes being clear and to the point is the best way to ensure that the message that you’re trying to convey is heard.
When we’re in relationships and we’re in love we tend to read into things that just aren’t there. So when some one says to us “I’m just not sure what I want” the person hearing it interprets it as “he/she is just scared to be in a relationship. They really want to be with me they just don’t want to get hurt so we should take it slow”. The latter part is what the “in love” person hears but the person saying it isn’t saying that at all. What they really want to say is that they no longer want to be with you but they don’t want to hurt your feelings and so they use one of those cop-out lines.
This is why sometimes it’s best to just say exactly how you feel even if it’s going to hurt the other person. Pain with time goes away but once you lose respect for a person that’s hard to get back. And a loss of respect is what will happen if the person you are trying to break up with is led on to believe that they still have a chance with you and you really have no intention of being with them.
A friend of mine is going through a similar situation with her boyfriend. He pretty much has her on standby because he “needed to figure some things out”. Her boyfriend isn’t sure of what he wants out of life right now but he wants to have her waiting on the side lines until he figures it out. If you’re shaking your head saying “yea right” to yourself then you and I had the same reaction. Seriously, you have got to be kidding me. How can someone be so damn selfish?
When I heard this it literally pissed me off because my friend is a great person and any person would be lucky to have her. But I guess it’s like the old cliché, you never really know what you have until it’s gone. And I can almost bet that once she really moves on her boyfriend will regret his decision.
I told my friend that although her beau may not know what he wants right now she can’t waste her time waiting for him to figure it out. She needs to move on and once he comes to a decision about what he wants for his life then they can talk about what their future holds. If it turns out that there is no future for them then she should just take it as a lesson learned. But to be left in limbo not knowing which direction he is going to take is not fair to her and is very selfish on his part. And don’t get me wrong it’s not only men that play this game. I know plenty of women that do the same thing to men and it just isn’t right.
Women complain about the lack of good men out there but there are good men out there. Women just have to learn how to appreciate the good ones when they come along. You can’t compare a new love interest to your past relationship because if you do then you don’t give the new guy a fair chance. Not all men are bad ladies, believe me, I know a few good ones. Just stop being your own worst enemy. We all deserve to be loved and be happy.
Sometimes I wonder what it is about relationships that make most people effin crazy?? I have another friend that has been dating the same guy for 5 years and for 5 years the guy has yet to make any real significant moves or commitment when it comes to their relationship. He says that he loves her and he even wants to have a baby with her but when the topic of marriage and really making a life together comes up all he can say is that he’s “scared”. I had another “Are you kidding me” moment when I heard this. Because basically what dude is saying is “I can commit to you and have a baby with you but I don’t know about marriage and everything else that comes with a making a real life together.” *Side eye*
What the hell is wrong with some of these men today? SMH. I feel like if I shake my head anymore that I’m going to shake it right off. As soon as my friend told him that she had decided to move on he wasn’t trying to hear it. Again, this is another example of a selfish man wanting his woman to stick around by the sidelines until he decides what is that he wants.
I don’t know if people realize this but it’s a new world out there and there are plenty of people willing to take your spot in your relationship if you don’t want to be there. So for all you people (women AND men) that are in relationships but aren’t sure of what you want you better make up your mind quick because in an instant you could probably lose the best thing that has ever happened to you. Don’t lose your love because you’re scared or confused. Take a chance on love because it just might work out for you in the end!
*Originally posted 4/22/10*
Ordinary People: Lost in music & love
I love music primarily because I am defined by words and music gives words a different kind of life. All morning I have been listening to the song Ordinary People by John Legend. Listening to this song has made me think about the nature of relationships and love as a whole.
In relationships, we often forget that no one is perfect, although we like to make ourselves believe as much. Putting unnecessary pressures and expectations on ourselves and our partners. Wanting to rush through life or certain situations, acting off of impulses and emotions, and preventing the relationship from growing and maturing at its own pace. Never really realizing that the more pressure you put on something the more likely it is to burst.
People, love, relationships need room to grow. To breathe. In order to fulfill their greatest potential they have to be nurtured in such a way that by trying to give it life you don’t inadvertently suffocate it.
We are automatically conditioned to protect what’s “ours” but sometimes by doing so we end up losing that which we love the most. Often learning the lesson after it’s too late. Sometimes we just have to take it slow because after all, we’re just ordinary people. Listening to this song, reminded me of this.
Ordinary People by John Legend
Girl im in love with you
This ain’t the honeymoon
Past the infatuation phase
Right in the thick of love
At times we get sick of love
It seems like we argue everyday
[Bridge]
I know i misbehaved
And you made your mistakes
And we both still got room left to grow
And though love sometimes hurts
I still put you first
And we’ll make this thing work
But I think we should take it slow
[Chorus]
We’re just ordinary people
We don’t know which way to go
Cuz we’re ordinary people
Maybe we should take it slow (Take it slow oh oh ohh)
This time we’ll take it slow (Take it slow oh oh ohh)
This time we’ll take it slow
[Verse 2]
This ain’t a movie no
No fairy tale conclusion ya’ll
It gets more confusing everyday
Sometimes it’s heaven sent
Then we head back to hell again
We kiss and we make up on the way
[Bridge]
I hang up you call
We rise and we fall
And we feel like just walking away
As our love advances
We take second chances
Though it’s not a fantasy
I Still want you to stay
[Chorus]
We’re just ordinary people
We don’t know which way to go
Cuz we’re ordinary people
Maybe we should take it slow (Take it slow oh oh ohh)
This time we’ll take it slow (Take it slow oh oh ohh)
This time we’ll take it slow
[Verse 3]
Take it slow
Maybe we’ll live and learn
Maybe we’ll crash and burn
Maybe you’ll stay, maybe you’ll leave,
maybe you’ll return
Maybe another fight
Maybe we won’t survive
But maybe we’ll grow
We never know baby youuuu and I
[Chorus]
We’re just ordinary people
We don’t know which way to go
Cuz we’re ordinary people
Maybe we should take it slow (Heyyy)
We’re just ordinary people
We don’t know which way to go
Cuz we’re ordinary people
Maybe we should take it slow (Take it slow oh oh ohh)
This time we’ll take it slow (Take it slow oh oh ohh)
This time we’ll take it slow
Originally published on January 6, 2011
“Perhaps not to be is to be without your being…”
Perhaps not to be is to be without your being,
without your going, that cuts noon light
like a blue flower, without your passing
later through fog and stones,
without the torch you lift in your hand
that others may not see as golden,
that perhaps no one believed blossomed
the glowing origin of the rose,
without, in the end, your being, your coming
suddenly, inspiringly, to know my life,
blaze of the rose-tree, wheat of the breeze:
and it follows that I am, because you are:
it follows from ‘you are’, that I am, and we:
and, because of love, you will, I will,
We will, come to be.
By Pablo Neruda
If You Ever Forget Me…
By Pablo Neruda
I want you to know
one thing.
You know how this is:
if I look
at the crystal moon, at the red branch
of the slow autumn at my window,
if I touch
near the fire
the impalpable ash
or the wrinkled body of the log,
everything carries me to you,
as if everything that exists,
aromas, light, metals,
were little boats
that sail
toward those isles of yours that wait for me.
Well, now,
if little by little you stop loving me
I shall stop loving you little by little.
If suddenly
you forget me
do not look for me,
for I shall already have forgotten you.
If you think it long and mad,
the wind of banners
that passes through my life,
and you decide
to leave me at the shore
of the heart where I have roots,
remember
that on that day,
at that hour,
I shall lift my arms
and my roots will set off
to seek another land.
But
if each day,
each hour,
you feel that you are destined for me
with implacable sweetness,
if each day a flower
climbs up to your lips to seek me,
ah my love, ah my own,
in me all that fire is repeated,
in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten,
my love feeds on your love, beloved,
and as long as you live it will be in your arms
Bad Habits: We all have them
We all have habits that are not good or down right unhealthy for us. Some habits have become so bad that they can actually be called addiction, there’s smoking, alcoholism, drug abuse, etc. We all have seen or know someone that has battled or is battling these addictions. However, some bad habits may not be as serious as the aforementioned but nonetheless can still be harmful to our well being.
A bad habit can involve the way we dress, act, think, shop,talk, relate to people, even how we act in relationships. Not too many people pay much attention to how they act in relationships but if you’re not aware of your actions you can fall into creating bad habits that are unhealthy for you and the relationship. A bad habit grows like the fastest weed and can become a chain reaction if we don’t nip it in the bud.
Those sneaky negative behavior patterns that insinuate their way into our lives, seemingly behind our backs, are like those pesky ‘mogwai’ creatures in the movie Gremlins. Remember them? Ever so cute to start with, but break the handling rules and they’ll run amok in your life. And it feels like there’s nothing you can do about it.
The same can be said of how we act in relationships. Constantly bickering or intentionally saying things to your partner that you know will upset them just to get a reaction out of them, while at first may seem cute and innocent and in your eyes merely a “test” to see if they really care, can eventually become the catalyst to the end of the relationship. Or constantly breaking up just to see how far your partner will go to get you back after awhile can and will become emotionally and mentally exhausting. This is not healthy. Some individuals are so accustomed to drama in their relationships that even when there isn’t any subconsciously create it. This is a bad habit.
Going back to a relationship that you know is dysfunctional and not good for you is also a bad habit. Chaos and dysfunction are not part of a healthy relationship and you have to be able to remove yourself from those types of relationships. That’s why being conscious of your behaviours is a necessary first step. You can’t get rid of your bad habits if you don’t know that you have them– it’s not enough, in real life, to destroy them.
The difficulty you encounter when you first try to break bad habits is that habits (like the mogwai/gremlins) just don’t respond to orders. You summon your willpower, you tell yourself firmly not to do it, and even feel sure you won’t do it…and then you find that you’ve done it again, anyway. It seems you just can’t win a straight out battle with habits. And many people give up at that point and say “I just can’t help it!” But the reality is that the strength of the human will and spirit can conquer anything. You just have to want it bad enough.
In relationships just as in life success comes to those who work at it. If there is something that you are or aren’t doing only you can change it. If you find yourself in a relationship that is constantly making you feel like enough is enough then it probably is. Relationships are not easy, they do require work BUT both individuals should be giving the same amount of themselves to make it work. Relationships that are 60/40, 70/30, 80/20 will never succeed. Remember that!
Regret
The fire raged for forty days and in forty ways
sparks burned stars on virgin skin.
Beaming heat on nameless faces,
engaged in activities better left unsaid.
Temporary joys felt under shameful satin sheets
Remnants of cigarette smoke linger,
yellow fog lives on the nameless window-panes.
Invisible eyes don’t recognize themselves in a mirror,
with a stranger’s glance staring back.
She believed in new life, but salvation has a price.
She shakes the sky a million times, a cloud labeled hopeless descends.
Hopeless as a Middle-Eastern woman before she is stoned,
a silent movie created to be seen and not heard.
Hopeless as an HIV infected baby,
sentenced to 1,000 winters of deterioration.
Hopeless as a cauldron of broken promises, hovering like death
a subconscious tattooed with past mistakes.
Buried in the bowels of discarded memories,
the bitter after taste of bile remains.
Layers of dust erode emaciated thoughts, covered in an avalanche of regret.
Engulfed in a suffocating silence, a tongue less beast awaits.
Lost in vanilla fields of passion the pen embraces paper,
voices born on the pages of withered skin.
On a weathered spine a cool shudder trickles,
a lost raindrop trying to find its way home.
An empty house with lifeless windows,
a mere shell of what used to be.
Live Life & Be Happy!
Sometimes in life we convince ourselves that things will be better once we are married, have a baby, or own our own home. Then we get frustrated because our children are not old enough, and that all will be well once they get older. We then become frustrated because they reach adolescence and with teenagers you get an entirely new set of problems. So we tell ourselves that we’ll be happier when they grow out of the teen years. I’m not a parent but I was a teenager and I know how much hell I caused my parents. It’s not easy raising kids.
We also tell ourselves that our life will be better when our spouse gets his/her act together, when we have a nicer car, when we can take a vacation, or when we finally retire. The truth is that there is no better time to be happy than right now.
Your life will always be full of challenges. It is better to admit as much and to decide to be happy in spite of it all. For the longest time, it seemed that life was about to start. Real life.
But there was always some obstacle along the way, an ordeal to get through, some work to be finished, some time to be given, a bill to be paid. Then life would start. I finally came to understand that those obstacles were life.
That point of view helped me see that there isn’t any road to happiness. Happiness IS the road.So, enjoy every moment.
Stop waiting for school to end, for a return to school, to lose ten pounds, to gain ten pounds, for work to begin, to get married, for Friday evening, for Sunday morning, waiting for a new car, for your mortgage to be paid off, for spring, for summer, for fall, for winter, for the first or the fifteenth of the month, for your song to be played on the radio, to die, to be reborn… before deciding to be happy.
Happiness is a voyage, not a destination.
There is no better time to be happy than… NOW!
Live and enjoy the moment.
He Is…The Love of My Life
I have been loved, admired and adored, but I have never been loved they way he loves me. The way he looks at me, the way he holds me. He puts my life into persepective. His love is so honest and so genuine. I, to him, am his life. I am the only woman that will be in that place of his heart. He holds me so high on a pedastal, no one can knock it down. No one is capable of changing his mind of me, no matter what I do, no matter what happens between us. He has the love that encompasses all of me. I’ve never known love like this. A love, where you look at him and you ache cuz you can’t get any closer than you are at that moment – but you wish you could… His hands cup your face and he looks straight into you and says “I Love You” and you melt. You’re at his disposal and he knows it… He was born to be with you… You find yourself asking God, why it took so long to bring him into your life and how you lived so long without him… My career, My material things, My life means nothing without him…
He is my purpose, He is my son…
By Justine Hornedo
