Tag Archives: Love

Are You Giving Too Much Too Soon?

 

I came across the following article while I was doing some research and surfing the internet and I thought that it made some very valid points. When it comes to relationships we often let the chemicals in our brain take over our better judgment, especially when the relationship is new. Most of us are in love with the idea of  being “in love” and because of this we sometimes give too much too soon. 

At first, doing too much seems natural because our endorphines are all out of wack and we find ourselves in a constant state of euphoria.  Additionally, most of us have been taught that when you’re in love you’re supposed to give your all. Or aren’t you?

Well according to the article the answer is no. Not until your relationship reaches a certain point should you be going all out for your significant other. Before that point, you will suffocate love just as it’s starting to bloom, instead of allowing it to blossom naturally.

Giving too much too soon is by far the biggest relationship mistake made by both men and women. The article explains why it suffocates love, how love blossoms naturally, how to know when you’re giving too much and what to do about it, and when it’s OK to give your all. 

 I know that in the past I have been guilty of some of the things in this article. Please read and let me know which things if any you have fallen victim to.

***

Over-giving — Let Me Count The Ways…

Too Much Love and Romance Too Soon

By the second date you both say, “I love you.” By the third date you’re talking every night for hours. By the second week you’re writing love notes to each other on a daily basis. So where do you go from there? Only down.

Beth and Tony fell in love instantly. They were inseparable after one date. He bought flowers; she cooked dinners every night. He read love poems out loud to her. She always put love notes in his jacket pocket when he went to work.

Then one time he forgot the flowers. Beth was crushed. Then she forgot the note. Tony felt unloved. Resentment intruded into perfect love, and their relationship never recovered.

Too Much Commitment Too Soon

Volunteered, one-sided commitment signals desperation in a relationship. Men will do this, but more often, it’s a woman who will take this step out of some mixed-up fear of losing a man if she doesn’t, even though he’s made no commitment whatsoever. She’s ready to forsake all others without even being asked, just to prove her love, hoping this gesture will somehow bond him to her. It doesn’t.

Gifts Too Soon

When you bring the element of money into a relationship, you put pressure on someone. If you’re a man, she may misread your intentions and think you see the relationship as transactional, gifts for sex. Or, rather than being bothered by the gifts, she may come to expect an ongoing flow of them from you and be very disappointed if they’re not forthcoming.

One man told me, “The minute a woman starts giving me valuable things, I feel pressured. She looks like a needy woman who’s trying to buy love. When a woman gives me something expensive, it makes me feel as if an alien element has come into the relationship — the element of dollar value as opposed to love and caring. I also feel forced to keep up in some way.”

Also, no man wants to live the rest of his life with a spendthrift. Giving him an expensive gift (even for his birthday or Christmas) will just make him worry about how you’ll spend money if the two of you get married.

Too Much Information Too Soon

One way both men and women often give too much is by telling too much about themselves right away. Who wants to know how your mother or father mistreated you on the first date? (Or on the third or fourth date, for that matter)

How Over-giving Suffocates Love

It’s like over-watering a plant. You’re not sure how much to water it and your instincts tell you to nurture it, so you over-water it and kill it. Here’s how over-giving can kill a budding relationship:

You’ll come across as needy and desperate. You probably won’t get enough back, so you’ll feel cheated. You’ll be ignoring your own life to help the object of your affection with theirs. He or she will take you for granted and expect you to continue to do more and more for him.

In the extreme, doing too much can change who you are until the person he or she was attracted to in the first place is gone.

The worst part about giving too much is that the other person probably won’t just drop you. At least then you’d be free to start over. Instead, they will keep you on a string and not take you seriously, and you find yourself in “crazy love” relationship.

 Self-test: Are You Doing Too Much For Love?

How do you know when you’re giving too much too soon? You call them more than they call you. You make all the plans, pay most of the time, or buy all the presents. You are always doing something for them, and you feel cheated and angry because the giving is not reciprocated. You sense they’re beginning to take you for granted. You feel desperate for their love and are worried about losing them.

Over-giving has already gotten to the “crazy love” stage if:

Your only happiness seems to be making them happy. You pour yourself into helping them succeed, even to the point of ignoring your own life. They’re beginning to pull away, and you keep doing more and more to get them to stay. Your friends say you’ve changed and they never see you anymore.

First Aid For Overgivers

If you’ve reached the “crazy love” stage, the relationship is probably beyond saving. See the “Letting Go” Section of the Library. If you haven’t gone that far, your relationship may be repairable. If you’ve just slipped and said, “I love you” too soon, or you’re a guy who’s given a gift too soon, or a woman who’s blurted out, “When are you going to call again?” by mistake, the relationship can be re-balanced with a little mid-course correction.

Again, think of the over-watered plant. All you can do is hold off on watering and hope. If you’ve started to smother the relationship, all you can do is step back and let it breathe. Don’t call. If you can, take a trip and send him or her just ONE postcard. If you can’t leave, just throw yourself into your work for a couple of weeks. It won’t hurt.

Give the relationship some space; allow some time to go by, and — above all — act happy.

The 4 Key Elements to a Successful Marriage

There’s something about being with someone that makes us feel complete. This is why most of us spend our lives searching for “the one”. However, once you’ve found the one how do you make sure the marriage lasts so that you don’t end up another statistic?

Every relationship is different and there’s not a one size fits all approach for having a successful marriage, after all, relationships are hard work. However, most people aren’t willing to put in the work which is why the divorce rate is so high. According to the Center for Disease Control, 50% of marriages end in divorce. Relationship expert Dr. Phil Mcgraw says that “The quality of a relationship is a function of the extent to which it is built on a solid underlying friendship and meets the needs of the two people involved.”

In order to ensure that the needs of both parties are met there are several key elements that must exist. Commitment, honesty, trust, and communication are needed in order to have a successful marriage. Creating relationships isn’t the hard part. The hard part is sustaining them. Sustainability isn’t about a quick fix or a cheap solution. Generally, it means making a commitment & trying, as best we can, to honor it.

Commitment is essential in that each individual has to put forth the same amount of effort and time into nurturing the relationship. It also means not giving up once you hit a bump in the road. Overcoming the hurdles and adversities in a relationship helps to solidify the foundation that is being built. In any worthwhile situation we will face challenges but giving up when troubles arise is not the answer. Most of life’s troubles can be overcome if we are willing to work through them. However, not many of us are willing to do this.

Honesty is also an important factor of any successful marriage and is sometimes overlooked. Honesty isn’t only about establishing trust, because although it is important to always be truthful with your significant other honesty is also about being honest in whom you are as a person. Don’t try and hide facets of your personality because you are unsure how your spouse will react to them. Be who you are at all times so that the person you are with loves you for who you are and not for some contrived persona you have created. You have to accept each other as is.

Lastly, maintaining open lines of communication is key because not only does it bring you closer to your spouse but it also eliminates playing the guessing game. When you are clear and concise about what your needs are your spouse is better equipped to fulfill them. Marriage after all is a partnership and as with any business agreement one misunderstanding can blow the entire deal.

Balancing these elements isn’t always easy but they are necessary in order to make your marriage, relationship, and friendship work. When it comes to relationships you never get a day off so if you want yours to work you have to wake up every day ready to go to work.

References:

Mcgraw, Phil. A Good Marriage. October 2010. Retrieved from http://www.drphil.com/articles/print/?ArticleID=53

What Does Valentine’s Day Mean To You????

There’s something about February 14 that brings out some emotion in everyone. Some people love it, some hate it, and others could care less. I have always been in the latter group. I have never put much thought or emphasis on Valentine’s Day. It wasn’t because I didn’t have a special someone to share the day with because for the past 14 years I have. It’s just that in my opinion, when you’re in love, doing nice and thoughtful things shouldn’t happen one day out of the year. If it does then there’s something wrong in the relationship.

Valentine’s day has turned into such a commercial holiday that the true meaning of the day has been lost. Instead of appreciating the love that is shared between two individuals we have a society where people look forward to receiving flowers, candy, and stuffed bears. Others make dinner reservations weeks or even months in advance just to celebrate the day and I don’t understand why. I’d much rather receive those things on a random day than on a day when it’s expected.

In an age where it seems as if everybody is searching for love at all costs, it’s no wonder that Valentine’s Day is a big deal for some. We have reality shows like The Bachelor/The Bachelorette, dating websites like E-Harmony and Match.com that promise to find you the perfect mate. Men and women go on these reality shows and dating websites and objectify themselves all for the sake of finding “the one”. They’re also searching for their 15 minutes of fame, but that’s another post.

The quest for love seems to be more prevalent this day and age than in any other period in history. Maybe the fact that I have had a special someone for so long has blinded me to how hard it is to find someone to love. But blinded or not, I do know that if you are lucky enough to find that special someone you should make every effort to show that person how much they mean to you and how much they are appreciated each and every day and not just on a holiday once a year.

I for one appreciate the unexpected. So as this Valentine’s day approaches I don’t look forward to flowers, candy, or teddy bears but instead I am looking forward to just spending the day with the man that I love. Because to be honest, Valentine’s day to us is just another ordinary day. I don’t need gifts to know how much my husband loves and appreciates me because he shows me every day. He shows  me when he helps out with dinner. He shows me by massaging my feet when I’ve had a long day. He shows me by making me breakfast on our days off from work. He shows me with his random calls just to say that he loves me. Those things are what matter to me, not what he does on one day out of the year but what he does for me every day of the year.  And I am truly grateful because I know how lucky I am.

This is what Valentine’s day means to me. What does it mean to you?

Fall in Love With You…

“i found god in myself and i loved her. i loved her fiercely.”  - Ntozake Shange

Most of us spend a great deal of our lives looking for love, chasing love, recuperating from love or complaining about love. Never realizing that in our quest for love we are neglecting the person that matters most.  Ourselves.

I believe that as women we often disregard our own needs as a result of always taking care of other people. We spend so much time seeking out and working on developing external relationships that we often times forget to work on the relationship within.  We give so much of ourselves emotionally, physically, and spiritually that  eventually we end up depleted seeking fulfillment from someone else.

However, we can not look to another to fulfill us, “to complete us”, as eloquently stated in Jerry Maguire. We can only seek to fulfill ourselves, to give to ourselves that which we freely give to others; others, who often times don’t deserve it and that is LOVE.  Learn to fall in love with YOU!

Love yourself! Deeply and profoundly! Know that the most important relationship that you could ever have is the relationship that you have with yourself. When that relationship is strong you will see that you will be happier, healthier, and that you will no longer put up with or accept mediocrity from anyone.

Walk in your divine self. You are love, made from love and made to be loved. By loving yourself you teach others how to love you.  Love is not something that comes from someone else; it is an extension of our own minds, reverberating back to us in what seems to be another person’s smile (Williamson, 1993).

When you learn to truly fall in love with you, your entire life begins to change. It changes because when you are in love your main priority is making the person you’re in love with happy. Imagine applying that concept to yourself. Imagine putting your own happiness first. Only you have the power to do this. When you take back your power you take back control of your happiness because you now realize that happiness comes from within. Any happiness that you find with someone else is in addition to the happiness that you already have.

There is no other person on the Universe that can complete you. You were born a “whole” individual, you were not born in pieces. Movies and music will have you believe that in order to be completely happy you need someone else. This is a fallacy. When you allow yourself to believe this you are saying to the other person “I can only be happy if I am with you”…This sort of thinking is the thinking that allows many to stay in hurtful, dysfunctional, abusive relationships because the individual believes that they can only be happy with this abuser. Here’s a reality check if it hurts chances are you aren’t happy. Therefore why stay in a hurtful situation?

I am aware that until we get to the point where  we’ve had enough of things that hurt and long more than anything for a peaceful love, we are bound to take painful roads. We are destined to play out frivolous disasters until we declare ourselves finished and done with them (Williamson, 1993). This is the nature of life but wehen you truly love yourself you will put up with far less nonsense and get out of that unhealthy relationship much sooner.

The following passage I read somewhere and post here for all of you. It reminds me of the power that I have when I choose to take control of my thoughts and feelings.

“You can completely transform any relationship, no matter what it’s like right now.

Every single relationship you have is a reflection of how you feel inside about you. You are a magnet attracting to you all things, via the signal you are emitting through your thoughts and feelings.

Every relationship you have and every interaction with every person, is a reflection of your own thoughts and feelings in that very moment.

To transform every single relationship you have in your life:

Fall in love with YOU!

Make lists of hundreds and hundreds of wonderful things about you.

Keep adding to it every day.

Know that you are perfect. Do not think any negative thoughts about you.

Know that you are worthy and deserving of anything and everything you could possibly want in your life.

Focus on the wonderful things in every person.

Look for only those things.

Do not blame or criticize anybody, ever.
Set an intention that you are going to see the best in everything and everyone.
Make your happiness the number one thing in your life. Happiness is an inside job.

Free yourself of the responsibility of trying to make other people happy.

Respect and love them enough to allow them to take care of their own happiness.
Get your attention off those things in others that don’t make you feel good.

Appreciate and love yourself in every moment you can.

Do not expect others to behave in a way you want, so you will be happy.

Release yourself forevermore and know that you alone control your happiness and it is a choice, no matter what anyone else is doing. Love and respect yourself completely. Know that you are perfect right now.

The Waters Within

My parched lips search for
the sweetness of steady waters
I search for the endless
rhythm of the ocean
so that I may bathe myself in
velvet hopes of new beginnings.
My heart tugs strings weaving back
together the strands of my soul
Intricate tapestry folds peeking through
the veil of my truth that reminds me
of the beauty that lies within.

Once dried up inside,
baptize me so that I may be reborn
an oasis rising from a sandy wasteland
created to quench the thirst of 1 million skies.
Cleanse me with daily gratitude,
trust, patience, fruitfulness, and love.

For your rippled waves
have awakened dormant dreams
that once flowed through me
like the great Nile River.
Through parted waters
and into the desert of infancy
I found myself again.
I valued myself again
I loved myself again.

And when the tides change
Because they always do,
I will take shelter in the land of Me.
For I have now found my voice.
I have now found my light.
I have now found my strength.
I am caught in a spiritual current.
I am now transformed.

 

SEPTEMBER 23, 2008

I’ve wanted to write about you for awhile. I’ve wanted to write about you for 2 years 2 months & 15 days to be exact. That’s how long you’ve been gone & for as long as I have been wanting to write about you I just never found the right words to put on paper that would memorialize all that you meant to me. I tried, I mean I tried many, many times but the words just wouldn’t come. I used to sit in my room for hours wishing, hoping, waiting kind of like a kid on Christmas Eve waiting up for Santa Claus to appear & I waited & waited & waited & those damn words just wouldn’t come. They just wouldn’t. I’d draw a blank every time I would put the pen to paper. Then I realized that maybe I would never find the “right” words to say because how could I ever accurately describe the hole that has been permanently left in my heart. You were my little brother except, you weren’t. You were my cousin but our connection was so close that it didn’t even matter.

And I always think of you this time of year. I’m not sure if it’s because we just celebrated Thanksgiving or if it’s because your birthday just passed or if it’s both. But the truth is I think about you a lot. I remember you as a child, you were young, you were innocent, the pride & joy of your mom & dad because you were their only baby. You were happy, like, you were always really, really happy. Always laughing, always smiling. In fact, that’s what I remember most about you, your smile. It was infectious; it was so bright that you could light up the darkest room. But no amount of light could ever brighten up the darkness that resided in your head or the demons that took over your mind.

At first, it started off as just a small flicker but gradually, day after day, month after month, year after year, the older you got the darker it became and the voices, well, the voices became louder, the voices became clearer. You tried to get us to hear them but we just couldn’t. Yours were silent screams and they fell on deaf ears, so you were just left alone in your own world, in your own space in time, in your own hell because no one could ever understand you. We all had a ferocious kind of tunnel vision blind to what was staring us right in the face. We didn’t notice. We just didn’t notice. Looking at you but not seeing that you were sick. After all, You were always just our little baby boy dressed up in a white t-shirt and pampers; the same boy that used to wear his mother’s tacos in the house and walk back and forth, back and forth, back and forth just because you liked to hear the click clack sound that they made.

And your mom, I remember her too. I never told you this…but, I hate that bitch. She was the one that got you sick. She remarried and let another man take your place. You should have been the first man in her life but she left you, abandoned you, and then replaced you with newer, improved models, your younger brother and sister. Because you, you were broken. Cracked in all the wrong places and you could never be fixed. But she couldn’t return you and get her money back so instead she left you in a 2 bedroom project apartment alone to conquer your demons. But you didn’t conquer them because they grew bigger and stronger and no amount of Haldol could ever be prescribed because eventually they conquered you.

And everyday I ask myself, why couldn’t we see it? Why couldn’t we see it? WHY THE FUCK COULDN’T WE SEE IT? Why couldn’t we see it before it was too late? But your dad, your dad finally saw it. You were his best friend, his one and only soul mate and a piece of him died that day too. I look at him and no longer see the man that he used to be. He’s no longer living. I mean, he’s alive, he’s breathing & walking & his body is here but his soul is not; because for the last 2 years, 2 months, and 15 days he carries with him the unbearable lightness of existence and in him has drowned a young boy that has been replaced by an old man full of guilt and regret. And each day, he awakes to a world that no longer has meaning because his world ended on September 23, 2008.

Poem: Gibraltar

Night out with the girls I just wanted to have fun
Never looking for what I found
But I reeled you in
With my
flirty talk
My sexy walk
yea you was
kinda nice …
tall, dark, handsome
combined with the perfect
mix of thug & intellect
Just my type of guy
offered me a ride home
cuz I was about 5 drinks passed drunk
Yet sober enough to know
that heaven had manifested
itself in you
Fast forward
1 year later
On bended knee
outside Baruch
You asked &
I said yes
never knowing the lessons
in love & life you would eventually teach me
Really living our vows
like in sickness & in health
Impregnating me with hope
when that cancer crept up
though never giving up
knowing u were way
too young to die
So instead,
you schooled me like teacher
& showed me what a real fighter was
10 years later
You’re still the champion
Pillared columns tall
Herculean strong
We are GIBRALTAR
rock hard steady
Cuz can’t nobody hold you down baby,
like you hold me when shit gets real
Loving me
Like song
Like verse
Like lyric
Like note
Like…
Losing my religion
Loving me
Like bible
Like Koran
Like Jesus
Like Allah
Like Islamic radical
Loving me
Like salvation
Like a breath of fresh air
Like light
Like brand new
Loving me…
when I couldn’t
even love myself
But you did
Because
you took your time
to study me
even when I was
CPA exam difficult,
like acquisitions and mergers
Realizing that you didn’t
want to conquer me
but instead stand side by side
like the number 11 with me
Shine like the sun in August with me
Walk on the beach
Make mental love on
another plane with me
Take over the world and
travel the road less taken with me.
And all along always showing me that
THIS is how love is supposed to be. 
 

©2011 All Rights Reserved Nancy Arroyo Ruffin

Emotional Rollercoaster

 Deep wrinkled, hollowed eyed, burned by the sun
flashes of red, crisscross onyx covered retinas.
No longer able to contain emotions,
hyperventilating, sweating, shaking, stomach flipping because I've never really liked roller coasters.
Reaching elevating highs, only to be overtaken by catapulting lows,
who in their right mind enjoys this?
Strapped in tight, blasting tunnels lit with
projections of stars, galaxies, asteroids, and other cosmological bodies,
cuz this SHIT is like outerspace,
and pretty little girls still believe in fairytales
like Cinderella, that glass slipper, Prince Charming and love.
But I'm not a little girl and I know better.
Love? Let me tell you about love,
cuz these movies, songs, and shit got it twisted!
Love isn't patient love isn't kind
And I'm not bitter I've just…been through enough to know that love is hard, love is mean, love is jealous,  love is insanity , a deluge of irrationality that will have you
PM Dawn singing "I'd Die without You"
Slipping in between happiness and sadness, on the brink of an emotional coma
Suffocating, cuz his love is the only thing that resuscitates you.
And with eyes full of molten lava, you let him have his way with you
emotionally rape you, let him fuck you then fuck you over
Strip you, penetrate you, leave you naked because
The things you thought you wanted, once louder than the heavens,
are now darker than the sky.
Loving him was an unsolvable sudoku puzzle
a bunch of numbers in squares that just didn't fit.
And now there are no pictures, no letters, nothing tangible to hold onto.
Only the transitory memory of how he used to love you.
"I remember the way you used to love me" singing in my Faith Evans voice
But I'm not Faith and this isn't a love song.
This is me envisioning our bodies, trapped in a lucid dream where butterflies metamorphasize into caterpillars and gusts of wind blow away the last traces of honey flavored kisses.
Recollections of newborn, can't sleep at night kind of love, a crying baby waiting to suckle its mother 's breast kind of love
Walks in central park in the summer just because kind of love
That type of, you can't breathe without me kind of love, air that pierced your lungs with life kind of love
And you, you would marvel at my beauty like I was some type of Van Gogh, Da Vinci painting and shit.
You were "Starry Nights" and I was the "Mona Lisa".
Until the day that you weren't,
Until the day that I wasn't.
Until the day "we" ceased to exist.

A letter to my sister…

Sisters. They’re bratty, clingy, nosey, and sometimes just plain old evil. They look up to you, imitate you, tease you, support you, help you, and console you when your first love dumps you. They’re catty, selfish, and spiteful but for all the things they are the most important of them is that no matter how bad things seem they will always love you. The bond between sisters is one of those rare anomalies that you can never understand unless you have a sister of your own.

The relationship that I have with my sister is one that I treasure. I always say that having a sister was God’s way of giving me a best friend for life. When you’re kids trying to find your way in the world, you don’t realize that the little brat you tried so hard to avoid somehow became the love of your life. They say you are only blessed with one true love in life, if you’re lucky, maybe two.  For me, my first true love was Diana.

December 30, 1979. The day my life was forever changed. With your first breath you breathed life into my world. I didn’t know it then but without you, living would be a sunless beach, a flower without scent, eyes that cannot see, a heart that doesn’t beat, hands that cannot touch or lips that cannot speak.

Inseparable since the day you were born we have grown to be more than just sisters. My one and only true love, confidante, and soul mate you are the definition of my existence. You are beauty, strength, wisdom, kindness, loyalty. You are unconditional love… You are my mirror reflecting all that I am and all that I still hope to be. You are my every dream come true. Not even Van Gogh could paint a more beautiful scene.

From childhood to womanhood you are the one constant that has never failed me. Because if I know anything it’s that you’re always on my side. If my heart stopped beating I would still live on for the heart that beats in you beats in me too. This is how strong our love is. You are my sister, you are my best friend.

I Love You But…

Relationships are something else. Those that are in one want to get out of it and those that aren’t in one want one. At this present time I know about 5 different people with relationship issues. The majority of them have found themselves single because either they or their significant other “doesn’t know what they want” right now. Oh, how I hate that explanation.

In fact, it really isn’t an explanation at all. What it is, is a cop out. They know exactly what they want. They’re just too afraid of being straight up with you and say “this just isn’t working for me and I want to move on to see if I can find something that does”. Instead of being honest they say things like the aforementioned or “it’s not you it’s me”. Give me a break. Those lines are older than Jesus himself.

I remember when I was on the dating scene I never had these issues because I’ve never had a problem saying how I feel. Anyone that really knows me knows that I am probably one of the most upfront and blunt individuals when it comes to relationships. Sometimes that gets me in trouble because I end up hurting someone’s feelings unintentionally.

When I was in high school I dated probably one of the nicest guys that I’ve ever known. I knew him for years. We literally grew up together, we knew each other since the first grade so when we started dating in high school it seemed really natural because we were friends.

He was the nicest, sweetest guy I had ever gone out with up to that point. He came from a good family, he was good looking, smart, and was completely into me and I into him. He did anything to make me happy, well back then it seemed like he did. In retrospect, we were in high school so it probably didn’t take much to make me happy but it was always the small things that really mattered to me.

Like the fact that he would travel on the hour long train ride from Brooklyn into Queens everyday after school just to see me for a couple of hours; or how we would spend hours talking on the phone whenever we weren’t with each other; or how he was always my shoulder to cry on. I was going through some personal family issues at the time and not only was he my boyfriend but he was my best friend. The bottom line is that he was always there for me. There wasn’t anything that he wouldn’t do for me but after a few months of dating and extreme stupidity, I realized that I didn’t want to be in an exclusive relationship with him anymore and I told him so. Like I said we were in high school probably 16-17 yrs old  and when you’re that age it’s very easy to become distracted.

I was  young, self-centered (like most of us are at that age) and I didn’t want to be tied down. When I told him that I wanted to date other people he didn’t take it well. But what would have been the alternative, stay with him and date other guys behind his back? I could have done that but I didn’t want to. I respected and cared for him too much to do that to him. Plus I knew that if I did that and he found out it would have hurt him more.

Looking back now I realize that I probably should have taken a more tactful approach at breaking up with him but sometimes being clear and to the point is the best way to ensure that the message that you’re trying to convey is heard.

When we’re in relationships and we’re in love we tend to read into things that just aren’t there. So when some one says to us “I’m just not sure what I want” the person hearing it interprets it as “he/she is just scared to be in a relationship. They really want to be with me they just don’t want to get hurt so we should take it slow”. The latter part is what the “in love” person hears but the person saying it isn’t saying that at all. What they really want to say is that they no longer want to be with you but they don’t want to hurt your feelings and so they use one of those cop-out lines.

This is why sometimes it’s best to just say exactly how you feel even if it’s going to hurt the other person. Pain with time goes away but once you lose respect for a person that’s hard to get back. And a loss of respect is what will happen if the person you are trying to break up with is led on to believe that they still have a chance with you and you really have no intention of being with them.

A friend of mine is going through a similar situation with her boyfriend. He pretty much has her on standby because he “needed to figure some things out”. Her boyfriend isn’t sure of what he wants out of life right now but he wants to have her waiting on the side lines until he figures it out. If you’re shaking your head saying “yea right” to yourself then you and I had the same reaction. Seriously, you have got to be kidding me. How can someone be so damn selfish?

When I heard this it literally pissed me off because my friend is a great person and any person would be lucky to have her. But I guess it’s like the old cliché, you never really know what you have until it’s gone. And I can almost bet that once she really moves on her boyfriend will regret his decision.

I told my friend that although her beau may not know what he wants right now she can’t waste her time waiting for him to figure it out. She needs to move on and once he comes to a decision about what he wants for his life then they can talk about what their future holds. If it turns out that there is no future for them then she should just take it as a lesson learned. But to be left in limbo not knowing which direction he is going to take is not fair to her and is very selfish on his part. And don’t get me wrong it’s not only men that play this game. I know plenty of women that do the same thing to men and it just isn’t right.

Women complain about the lack of good men out there but there are good men out there. Women just have to learn how to appreciate the good ones when they come along. You can’t compare a new love interest to your past relationship because if you do then you don’t give the new guy a fair chance. Not all men are bad ladies, believe me, I know a few good ones. Just stop being your own worst enemy. We all deserve to be loved and be happy.

Sometimes I wonder what it is about relationships that make most people effin crazy?? I have another friend that has been dating the same guy for 5 years and for 5 years the guy has yet to make any real significant moves or commitment when it comes to their relationship. He says that he loves her and he even wants to have a baby with her but when the topic of marriage and really making a life together comes up all he can say is that he’s “scared”. I had another “Are you kidding me” moment when I heard this. Because basically what dude is saying is “I can commit to you and have a baby with you but I don’t know about marriage and everything else that comes with a making a real life together.” *Side eye*

What the hell is wrong with some of these men today? SMH. I feel like if I shake my head anymore that I’m going to shake it right off. As soon as my friend told him that she had decided to move on he wasn’t trying to hear it. Again, this is another example of a selfish man wanting his woman to stick around by the sidelines until he decides what is that he wants.

I don’t know if people realize this but it’s a new world out there and there are plenty of people willing to take your spot in your relationship if you don’t want to be there. So for all you people (women AND men) that are in relationships but aren’t sure of what you want you better make up your mind quick because in an instant you could probably lose the best thing that has ever happened to you. Don’t lose your love because you’re scared or confused. Take a chance on love because it just might work out for you in the end!

 

 

*Originally posted 4/22/10*