Category Archives: Relationships

Bad Habits: We all have them

We all have habits that are not good or down right unhealthy for us. Some habits have become so bad that they can actually be called addiction, there’s smoking, alcoholism, drug abuse, etc. We all have seen or know someone that has battled or is battling these addictions. However, some bad habits may not be as serious as the aforementioned but nonetheless can still be harmful to our well being.

A bad habit can involve the way we dress, act, think, shop,talk, relate to people, even how we act in relationships. Not too many people pay much attention to how they act in relationships but if you’re not aware of your actions you can fall into creating bad habits that are unhealthy for you and the relationship. A bad habit grows like the fastest weed and can become a chain reaction if we don’t nip it in the bud.

Those sneaky negative behavior patterns that insinuate their way into our lives, seemingly behind our backs, are like those pesky ‘mogwai’ creatures in the movie Gremlins. Remember them? Ever so cute to start with, but break the handling rules and they’ll run amok in your life. And it feels like there’s nothing you can do about it.

The same can be said of how we act in relationships. Constantly bickering or intentionally saying things to your partner that you know will upset them just to get a reaction out of them, while at first may seem cute and innocent and in your eyes merely a “test” to see if they really care, can eventually become the catalyst to the end of the relationship. Or constantly breaking up just to see how far your partner will go to get you back after awhile can and will become emotionally and mentally exhausting. This is not healthy. Some individuals are so accustomed to drama in their relationships that even when there isn’t any subconsciously create it. This is a bad habit.

Going back to a relationship that you know is dysfunctional and not good for you is also a bad habit. Chaos and dysfunction are not part of a healthy relationship and you have to be able to remove yourself from those types of relationships. That’s why being conscious of your behaviours is a necessary first step. You can’t get rid of your bad habits if you don’t know that you have them– it’s not enough, in real life, to destroy them.

The difficulty you encounter when you first try to break bad habits is that habits (like the mogwai/gremlins) just don’t respond to orders. You summon your willpower, you tell yourself firmly not to do it, and even feel sure you won’t do it…and then you find that you’ve done it again, anyway. It seems you just can’t win a straight out battle with habits. And many people give up at that point and say “I just can’t help it!” But the reality is that the strength of the human will and spirit can conquer anything. You just have to want it bad enough.

In relationships just as in life success comes to those who work at it. If there is something that you are or aren’t doing only you can change it. If you find yourself in a relationship that is constantly making you feel like enough is enough then it probably is. Relationships are not easy, they do require work  BUT both individuals should be giving the same amount of themselves to make it work. Relationships that are 60/40, 70/30, 80/20 will never succeed. Remember that!

It’s a Capicu Christmas…at least for the kids of Bushwick United

As the New Year approaches, I, like most people am reflecting back on all that has happened in 2010. Personally, it has been one great year overall. My family and I are healthy; no one was seriously affected by the real estate disaster or the infamous Madoff scandal that caused the biggest U.S. economic calamity since the Great Depression, I met new friends, was able to do things that I’ve never done before, and have a new overwhelming desire to give back.

The holidays always make me think of those less fortunate, those without families, those who have lost their jobs, and those who have lost their homes. That’s why in today’s fiscal environment, it’s more important than ever to give back.

Last week, I was able to attend a Poetry/Toy Drive event sponsored by the “grassroots” organization known as Capicu. The organization founded in 2007 describes itself as “a grassroots multicultural producer of poetry and performing arts events in New York City, formed using the philosophies of the most progressive intellectual and artistic movements of the last century in New York City”. The Poetry showcase which takes place once a month comes to life in my childhood neighborhood of Williamsburg, Brooklyn at the Notice Lounge. So needless to say, I felt right at home.

From the moment that I arrived at Notice Lounge, I was immediately overwhelmed by the amount of love in the room. I was greeted by the sweet smell of arroz con gandules, pernil, and baked chicken. Was this a toy drive? Because it didn’t feel like it to me. It was reminiscent of the parties I used to attend as a child at my abuelo’s house, family coming together on Noche Buena drinking, eating, and being merry. But this wasn’t Christmas Eve and it wasn’t my grandfather’s house. It was a room full of friends and strangers alike coming together to listen to some good poetry and to help give some child a Merry Christmas.

To say that the place was packed would be an understatement. Those lucky enough to arrive early were able to get a seat, while others were content standing or found a spot on the floor. I was one of the lucky ones to snatch up a seat and I even was brave enough to recite a piece that I wrote. It was my first time ever performing any of my poetry in public but I was so glad that I did. The crowd was amazing, warm, and supportive. It was a very liberating experience for me. It was also touching to see so many people, Latinos and others, collaborate for such a wonderful event.

The toys would be sent to Bushwick United Head Start (I believe today is when they were being given out) to give children who would have otherwise not received one, a present. I only wish that I could be there to see the looks on their faces as they open their gifts. Children are so innocent and they all should have a Merry Christmas. Special recognition should be given to George “Urban Jibaro” Torres, Papo “Swiggity” Santiago, Notice Lounge, and all who made the event possible. They should be commended for a job well done. While it is great to eat, drink, and party it’s even more important to put a smile on someone’s face. Thank you for inspiring me and keep up the great work.

Faded Flowers

Your words haunt me as they make their way in like uninvited house guests. Resonating in the deepest parts of my mind, etched in my memory and saved for a later date, a date where I can search my mental rolodex and reflect on how they made me feel. But I am suffocating, trapped in the confines of my subconscious, hostage of my thoughts. Wanting to share what’s inside of me but unable to let it out. A mental tug of war between the heart and the brain neither one wanting to let go. Vowels, consonants,  syllables roaming aimlessly waiting for me to give them direction. I try and am rendered speechless. If only I could give you life. Birth you from the womb and watch you grow into something strong, powerful, a meaningful sentence but I am numb, paralyzed by words left unspoken. Drowning in a pool of regret I let my heart flow thru the last page of my diary. Each syllable, each word, each line, specifically & beautifully crafted fueled by every lie you ever told. How you used to whisper in my ear like warm estival breezes dancing with rustling leaves, ”baby I love you”. I poured it all out, acquiesced & let you into my life. It was more than just a daily refresh of my time line. Late nights, followed by early mornings awakened by the scent of sweet jasmine while remnants of cigarette smoke linger like lost souls floating in purgatory. Fuliginous air fills my lungs and the sounds of Sade remind me that this is no ordinary love. Temporary joys felt under shameful satin sheets engaged in activities that are better left unsaid. Intertwined souls can’t find their way home. Your venomous kisses injected into me like death approaching soulless bodies. Devoid of any emotional connection, an empty house with lifeless windows, cold and unseeing. The scars and pains have permanently cemented themselves to the crumbling walls that love built. A wilted flower, which no longer blooms, faded flowers on the side of the road. The storm has passed, its last breath unnoticed by the calm that followed.

Dear Brooklyn…

I used to see you through rose colored lenses.

Red, blue, green, like the primary colors of a rainbow.

Beauty that could only be expressed as the child birthed from the seeds that were planted in my heart.

For me, you defined love

It was pure, innocent, like a baby’s laugh or like snowflakes in winter falling on my face.

You were perfect…

Always waiting with open arms and I knew that your love resided on your finger tips.

All I had to do was reach out and grab your hand

I used to follow you around aimlessly, a silly little kid

Lost, trying to find my way in you

Chasing you, not knowing what was in store

And it was easy to get lost in the cracks and crevices of your love.

 With no tour guide or no warning signs on the door

I wanted to be with you at all costs

I used to hear your song outside my bedroom window

And like a lovebird you would serenade me with your melody

Only the sound was not as sweet

It was modern day warfare and my ears can never forget the echoes

as you claimed another victory to hang on your wall of fallen soldiers.

I use to walk your mean streets

Armored with nothing more than my hopes and my dreams

Investing all I had in your false prophecy

All’s fair in love and war and you held no prisoners

I remember thinking that I’d never leave you

And I wasn’t sure why I loved you so much

I had front row seats to the pain and destruction you could bring

Drugs, sex, poverty,

Broken promises and broken dreams

Babies crying, mothers trying, fathers dying

You had a piece of each

And me, well, I guess I was foolish and young and naïve

Plus you were a master at deceit 

You disguised yourself as love

Covered up in jewels and fancy things

Blinding us all with temporary pleasures

Like money, cars, clothes

10 year old boys working the corners

Just so that they can cop the newest pair of Jordans

Trying to keep up with the Martinez’s, the Torres’, and don’t forget the Jones’.

I saw uncles, cousins, and friends chase after you like a $2 whore

And you? You were always waiting more than happy to oblige

With legs wide open ready to give them exactly what they were looking for. 

You broke up happy homes and left families torn in pieces

You were self-destruction, misguided, and unappealing

It was then that I slowly began to see that you were a fraud, a con, a schemer, full of deception and lies.

You were not at all as you portrayed yourself to be

You weren’t love you were hate, self-loathing, and devastation and where I once saw a rainbow

was nothing but a mirage washed away like sand that washes into the shore. 

Washed away like a prostitute who washes away every trace of her last client at the end of a long night

Señora de madrugada, washing away his scent

but unable to wash away the feelings of disgust, shame, and guilt.

Just like her, you fooled me into giving you my heart.

But now, today, I take it back.

I’m not gonna let you break me down like you did the rest

You won’t give me the worst of you when I’m at my best

I am beautiful, confident, educated all the things you said I could never be

I finally opened up my eyes to your duplicity

So I stopped chasing an illusion and started chasing a dream

One that was colored with what I wanted my life to be,

one that was colored with my hopes, desires and dreams.

Thanksgiving’s over now bring on Christmas!

We just got over the Thanksgiving holiday and I still feel like an overstuffed turkey. I ate so much over this weekend that I’m surprised I didn’t get sick from gorging so much. I felt like a glutton. The food was great, spending time with the family was great and most of all life is great. I am truly blessed. I have an amazing family and I have wonderful friends. As the Christmas holiday now begins I am always taken back to the days of my childhood.

Of all the holidays, for me, Christmas is my absolute favorite. Not because of gifts or any of the commercialization of the holiday but because for me it conjures up memories of my grandfather, spending the weekends at his house and watching my mom, aunts and uncles break night making pasteles. They made so many that they would often last until the beginning of the year. We spent every major holiday at abuelo’s house and EVERYONE came over; aunts, uncles, cousins, and family friends no one missed the great parties that my grandfather used to host. It was truly the best part of my year.

My sister and I were talking the other day and reminiscing about the “good ‘ol days” and about our cultural family traditions and how they somehow are slowly beginning to disappear. We no longer congregate at a family member’s house to make pasteles, some of the family has since become a little estranged, and as we get older I feel like the much loved traditions of my childhood will soon become just a faded memory.

I still look forward to Christmas because like most Puerto Rican families we have a huge party/family get together for Noche Buena (Christmas Eve), we have tons of food, drink, and we watch the kids open their gifts when the clock strikes 12 a.m. In our family we’ve never really been able to wait until midnight so the gifts usually get opened around the 10 o’clock hour. I guess that’s our family tradition.

As my sister and I continued to reminisce I realized that it really is up to us to keep our cultural and family traditions alive. Christmas here and in Puerto Rico really is a joyous, family holiday and I so look forward to this Christmas season because for me it’s all about family. May everyone have a safe and happy holiday season spent with those that you love Y.

He Is…The Love of My Life

I  have been loved, admired and adored, but I have never been loved they way he loves me. The way he looks at me, the way he holds me. He puts my life into persepective. His love is so honest and so genuine. I, to him, am his life. I am the only woman that will be in that place of his heart. He holds me so high on a pedastal, no one can knock it down. No one is capable of changing his mind of me, no matter what I do, no matter what happens between us. He has the love that encompasses all of me. I’ve never known love like this. A love, where you look at him and you ache cuz you can’t get any closer than you are at that moment – but you wish you could… His hands cup your face and he looks straight into you and says “I Love You” and you melt. You’re at his disposal and he knows it… He was born to be with you… You find yourself asking God, why it took so long to bring him into your life and how you lived so long without him… My career, My material things, My life means nothing without him…

He is my purpose, He is my son…

 

By Justine Hornedo

Is Life Really Just a Big “What If”???

A friend and I were talking the other day about life and how our lives could be different had we made other choices.  From that conversation, I realized that life, for the most part  is just a series of decisions. The decisions that we make, in one way or another, form our experiences and in essence creates our lives.

When I was 19 yrs old I made a decision that I was going to join the Army. In hind sight it probably was a bad decision especially because it was a decision made without much thought other than I needed money to pay for college. At the time, I was rebellious and as a result my dad kicked me out of his house. Homeless and unemployed with no money, I was left with no other recourse but to go live with my grandmother.

I had just started college and never had the need to work up until then my dad had always provided for me. However, given the current situation I had to figure something out.  I decided that I would join the Army and have the government pay for my schooling. To make a long story short, I moved back home and didn’t have to join the Army. 

Nevertheless, I sometimes wonder how my life would have turned out had I joined the army and travelled the world. Would I still have met my husband or would I had met someone else, would I had ever fallen in love, or would I still be single. Sometimes I wonder what if I had gone through with my first engagement and not broken it off. Or how about if I had never befriended certain people. Or what if I would have pursued a relationship with one of my best friends that I met back when I first started college.

There are so many possible scenarios and ways that things could have turned out but if we alter those decisions that where made way back when, we inevitably alter our lives and our future. We would not be who we are today. I guess I’ll never know but it makes me wonder “What If”?  I think most of us wonder what our lives would be like if we had made other decisions throughout the course of our lives. Which leads me to ask, “Is life really just a big “What If”???”

Do you think your life would be better or worse had you made other choices in life?

Visions of Life Colored in Red, White, & Blue (I’m a Nuyorican!!!)

I am Puerto Rican

Puertoriqueña

From the island of borinquen

As Puerto Rican as rice and beans

Yo soy boricua

Except

I was born here

on May 19, 1977

at Brooklyn Jewish Hospital

A Brooklyn native

like BIGGIE,

Junior’s Cheese cake,

and the Brooklyn Bridge

When they say where Brooklyn at?

I respond right here!!!

I’m not ashamed of who I am.

I am a Puerto Rican Nuyorican

Cuz in my heart

It’s who I am

It doesn’t matter that I wasn’t born there

I was born here

So what if I grew up listening to hip-hop

Non stop

Bopping my head

to the rhythmic beat

That mami used to like calling jungle music

“Mira muchacha apaga eso”

She used to scream

But she never complained

Whenever her salsa was playing

The sounds of Hector Lavoe

Singing about un periodico de ayer

Noticias que todo lo saben

ya yo no quiero leer

El Gran Combo used to sing about “Un verano en Nueva York”

Now to that I could relate

I knew all about those

Fiery hot summers

And cold blistering winters

Sent chills through my bones

But was always warmed by my

Latina boricua soul

See, I am a Nuyorican

A hybrid of the reality of our past

And the hope of our future

A fusion of spices

Flavored in the hopes of my ancestors

and the reality of my parents’ dreams

It all resides in me

I was NYC born and NYC bred

And if you cut me I’m not sure I’ll bleed red

I’ll bleed red, white, and blue

The colors of my American flag

And my homeland flag too

The perfect combination of my 3 favorite hues

All that symbolizes what represents me,

America,

land of the free

Puerto Rico,

land of people who look like me

I am still your daughter

don’t turn your back on me

Spanish was not my first language

and they didn’t speak it at home

I didn’t need to be put in those

English as a second language classes

I don’t have an accent

But that doesn’t strip me of my heritage

I wear it proudly;

everyday like a diamond ring

I treasure it

Protect it

it is the essence of my being

It’s in my heart,

my blood,

and it runs deep

So when you look at me

Think twice before you speak

Don’t say I’m not authentic

I have been certified

with a permanent

stamp of approval!



Imagining Beauty

I don’t know what it feels like

but I can imagine,

the love between a mother and child

The inexplicable connection that is formed

even when the umbilical cord is cut and

that new life is no longer physically attached to the body

I don’t know what it feels like

but I can imagine,

It’s the immediate need to love,

nurture, and

protect your greatest asset;

something so special,

so unique

because it is a very real part of you

1o fingers, 10 toes, 1 heart beating

full of dreams,

ambitions,

and hopes

This is beauty

Like autumn leaves falling,

beautiful hues of

orange,

red,

and brown

all representative

of the reflection

that is you

I don’t know what if feels like

but I can imagine,

It’s a flower blooming in spring,

waiting for sun,

water,

sustenance

And so I feed you

You cling to me

sucking all that I have to give

I am yours

You are mine

I watch you grow

and wait in anticipation

I am the artist

and you are my canvas

In you,

I see all of the things that I am not;

So I dip my brush in the paint

And with soft gentle strokes

you become

patient,

brave,

warm,

calm,

like a desolate island

that has yet to be discovered

I don’t know what it feels like

but I can imagine,

You are an untapped resource

yet I am drunk,

inebriated under your influence

I stagger not knowing which way to go

I’m a novice

I’ve never done this before

You didn’t come with an owner’s manual

What if I screw you up?

There’s no return policy

and so I become afraid

Lost,

searching,

grasping,

alone in the dark

it’s just me and you

So I close my eyes

and you are there

In my arms

I smell your scent,

Inhaling

I lose my breath

I touch you

Your skin is like suede

Soft,

perfect

like untouched snow

You are summer

You are winter

You are spring

You are fall

You are day,

You are night,

You are a thousand dollar bill

and I will walk naked,

bare,

uncovered

through thorn filled rose bushes

just to protect you

for no other reason

except that

I am

your

Mother

I don’t know what it feels like
but I can imagine.

WORDZ…

They make their way into our world like uninvited house guests. They grab a hold of us like tentacles, feeding off of our souls. It is their power that resonates in our cerebral cortex. They get etched in our memories and saved for a later date when we can search our mental rolodex and reflect on how they made us feel. Imagine your life without their beauty. How empty and bleek you would be without being able to share, without being able to speak, without being able to be. I am suffocating. Trapped in the confines of my mind I am a prisoner of my thoughts. Wanting to share what’s inside of me but unable to let it out. A mental tug of war between the heart and the brain neither one wanting to let go. Thoughts floating in air; vowels, consonants, adverbs & syllables roaming aimlessly waiting for me to give them direction. I try but am caught in the web that has been spun from the thread of reality. Confusion seeps its way in followed by doubt & self loathing. Before I know it, it has encapsulated me. Submerged in fear and hopelessness I struggle to release myself from its grasp. If only I could give you life. Birth you from the womb and watch you grow into something strong, powerful, meaningful but I am numb, paralyzed by words left unspoken.