Tonight I want it to rain blades of nostalgia that pierce through my skin washing away every memory we created~ Purging my body of the toxins that remained after you infused me with your poisonous tongue, the battle scars inflicted during our version of World War II still haven’t healed… You are a nuclear power plant Landmines, Bombs, Ak-47′s Powerful and destructive I have to get out of harm’s way The dust hasn’t even settled yet But I’m done settling This is not Plymouth Rock you cannot plant your seed in me raise your flag and claim your territory So tonight I want it to rain Rain hard, puncture my subconscious Let my blood shed for all to see Tattered skin, misused and abused then thrown to the side like an old pair jeans that fit your body just a little too perfectly.
This poem was written as I listened to Adele’s ‘Right as Rain”…so I guess the song inspired me to write this for sometimes love isn’t “right as rain”.
I cannot compare myself to those who came before me or to those who come after me… All I can do is leave an imprint of my presence on your subconscious so that even when you’re not thinking about me, you’re thinking about me. I am permanent marker You cannot erase me Did you think it would be that easy… to forget the map that you carved on my vessel on your voyage home as you navigated your way through my tunnels, my canals, lost deep in the ocean of my scent heavy rains fall on bamboo leaves that quench parched soil I soak it all in as you suck me back to a throwback moment in time where… my heart tugs strings, inhaling melodic sounds drunk off tainted skin.. Ancient hearts and modern minds dance to the timeless rhythms of the past, the tantric beats of our love muscle, an exercise we’re both fluent in… my preferred tongue As I open up like a black hole, allowing you to swallow me whole.
Ode to sunshine she is, at least in his eyes… She is– chest crushing heat burning through blinds and curtains still dry air that suffocates with only a smile. She is– warmth that penetrates deep within his soul’s desire. His ray of hope saturated with prayers and dreams without even trying. How could this be when she belongs to another sits in another sky in a sea of empty space weaving a future from a tangled past basket full of empty promises he wants to make come true like nights spent under Parisian skies viewing paintings at the Louvre bathing in spiritual love chasing butterflies in indigo hues a magnetic, gravitational pull lost in momentum protecting the memory that is still wet with tears.
I’ve wanted to write about you for awhile. I’ve wanted to write about you for 2 years 2 months & 15 days to be exact. That’s how long you’ve been gone & for as long as I have been wanting to write about you I just never found the right words to put on paper that would memorialize all that you meant to me. I tried, I mean I tried many, many times but the words just wouldn’t come. I used to sit in my room for hours wishing, hoping, waiting kind of like a kid on Christmas Eve waiting up for Santa Claus to appear & I waited & waited & waited & those damn words just wouldn’t come. They just wouldn’t. I’d draw a blank every time I would put the pen to paper. Then I realized that maybe I would never find the “right” words to say because how could I ever accurately describe the hole that has been permanently left in my heart. You were my little brother except, you weren’t. You were my cousin but our connection was so close that it didn’t even matter.
And I always think of you this time of year. I’m not sure if it’s because we just celebrated Thanksgiving or if it’s because your birthday just passed or if it’s both. But the truth is I think about you a lot. I remember you as a child, you were young, you were innocent, the pride & joy of your mom & dad because you were their only baby. You were happy, like, you were always really, really happy. Always laughing, always smiling. In fact, that’s what I remember most about you, your smile. It was infectious; it was so bright that you could light up the darkest room. But no amount of light could ever brighten up the darkness that resided in your head or the demons that took over your mind.
At first, it started off as just a small flicker but gradually, day after day, month after month, year after year, the older you got the darker it became and the voices, well, the voices became louder, the voices became clearer. You tried to get us to hear them but we just couldn’t. Yours were silent screams and they fell on deaf ears, so you were just left alone in your own world, in your own space in time, in your own hell because no one could ever understand you. We all had a ferocious kind of tunnel vision blind to what was staring us right in the face. We didn’t notice. We just didn’t notice. Looking at you but not seeing that you were sick. After all, You were always just our little baby boy dressed up in a white t-shirt and pampers; the same boy that used to wear his mother’s tacos in the house and walk back and forth, back and forth, back and forth just because you liked to hear the click clack sound that they made.
And your mom, I remember her too. I never told you this…but, I hate that bitch. She was the one that got you sick. She remarried and let another man take your place. You should have been the first man in her life but she left you, abandoned you, and then replaced you with newer, improved models, your younger brother and sister. Because you, you were broken. Cracked in all the wrong places and you could never be fixed. But she couldn’t return you and get her money back so instead she left you in a 2 bedroom project apartment alone to conquer your demons. But you didn’t conquer them because they grew bigger and stronger and no amount of Haldol could ever be prescribed because eventually they conquered you.
And everyday I ask myself, why couldn’t we see it? Why couldn’t we see it? WHY THE FUCK COULDN’T WE SEE IT? Why couldn’t we see it before it was too late? But your dad, your dad finally saw it. You were his best friend, his one and only soul mate and a piece of him died that day too. I look at him and no longer see the man that he used to be. He’s no longer living. I mean, he’s alive, he’s breathing & walking & his body is here but his soul is not; because for the last 2 years, 2 months, and 15 days he carries with him the unbearable lightness of existence and in him has drowned a young boy that has been replaced by an old man full of guilt and regret. And each day, he awakes to a world that no longer has meaning because his world ended on September 23, 2008.
Night out with the girls I just wanted to have fun Never looking for what I found But I reeled you in With my flirty talk My sexy walk yea you was kinda nice … tall, dark, handsome combined with the perfect mix of thug & intellect Just my type of guy offered me a ride home cuz I was about 5 drinks passed drunk Yet sober enough to know that heaven had manifested itself in you Fast forward 1 year later On bended knee outside Baruch You asked & I said yes never knowing the lessons in love & life you would eventually teach me Really living our vows like in sickness & in health Impregnating me with hope when that cancer crept up though never giving up knowing u were way too young to die So instead, you schooled me like teacher & showed me what a real fighter was 10 years later You’re still the champion Pillared columns tall Herculean strong We are GIBRALTAR rock hard steady Cuz can’t nobody hold you down baby, like you hold me when shit gets real Loving me Like song Like verse Like lyric Like note Like… Losing my religion Loving me Like bible Like Koran Like Jesus Like Allah Like Islamic radical Loving me Like salvation Like a breath of fresh air Like light Like brand new Loving me… when I couldn’t even love myself But you did Because you took your time to study me even when I was CPA exam difficult, like acquisitions and mergers Realizing that you didn’t want to conquer me but instead stand side by side like the number 11 with me Shine like the sun in August with me Walk on the beach Make mental love on another plane with me Take over the world and travel the road less taken with me. And all along always showing me that THIS is how love is supposed to be.
Find the perfect place to settle in Like 1492 Columbus did In search for a new world. Yet here I am… a woman not worthy to hold the title of mother for no child has chosen me to be its home life sentenced protector~~ Created to breathe life into its lungs Birth seeds of hope from my ovaries that will bloom silk petals of the heart Beauty wrapped up in golden satin sheets of new beginnings Carrying within it a shock of ambiguity, A soul thought up But undelivered. Magnificent one, all mine, A mirror perched Beyond my reach, A colossal presence, you sting with continuity underneath my skin You are in the ark of my blood in the river of my bones in the crests of my muscles in the ligaments of my hair in the wit of my hands in the smear of my shadow You are everywhere And nowhere simultaneously Driven by the restless urge to create I am inseminated with cultural reminders of what it means to be a woman. The woman of the house Maid to clean, wash, cook, take care of my husband and when the time comes bear his child. But I sit still and wait.
I am a broken clock that doesn’t tick My time has not come. I have not been chosen to miss those cycles of the moon rising within My womb weeps blood tears, the months the shards of grief begin flowing through me and out of me iridescent stem of womanhood. For the sea of faith, was too once full I see you behind a thin-walled glass veneer of time. Not meant to be, not born Yet omnipresent, brown-eyed, laughing, blowing caramel kisses in the wind. Above the air I breathe heavy rainclouds finally release their pain ragged currents flow down my cheeks all of your beauty, has come to an end I solemnly mourn the death of a dream Because the nature of life has made it so.
Mommy you will never call me for that title belongs to someone else, yet you will
Always be my first child…for I have been there to see you grow like the flowers of a
Royal water lily and its many transformations, petals white as jades full of virginal
Innocence releasing aromatic scents of independence that will attract many trying to
Strip you of your beauty and rob you of your virtue, so I say bask in the richness of your
Soul for the light that you have within can never be dimmed unless you
Allow it…..
Today’s poem was written in acrostic form. An acrostic poem is one that uses a word or phrase (usually the theme or the underlying subject matter of the poem) written vertically.
Each letter of the word/phrase then acts as the beginning letter for a new line of the poem. Whatever is written using each letter must connect to the subject matter.
Syncopated rhythms over conga beats, I saunter in the footprints of men and women of generations passed. Dissecting myself a cadaver, open and free. From the bomba y la plena, from the sugar cane factories to the bench of the Supreme Court, we… have come a long way. Having studied many times The marble which was chiseled out for me— By the calloused hands of the slaves that came before me taken against their will from the mother land– to toil the earth of Boriquen..
In truth, it pictures not my destiny but my responsibility. Because four centuries of Spanish rule has brainwashed some, of the African blood running through our veins. Forgetting that the pigment of our skin is— as deep and dark, as the holds of the ships that transported them. Yes! For we too are black. Ashamed of our past we reject ourselves Trying to conform to A non-conscious– ideology.
Wanting to be white, Trying to do what’s right We are our mother’s daughters So we learn to do as we’re told Studying like an exam What it means to be a Latina Niña don’t speak up This is not your right Taught to be passive Supportive nurturers of the home Beautiful doll With a painted smile You are a woman Learn to play your role
But with MY voice I will break the cycle I will speak up I will be heard I will not be shy I will not be timid I will be strong I will educate Because in this I am not— my mother’s daughter.
Originally published 04/01/11 in honor of National Poetry Month
