Category Archives: Personal

Leaving Legacies: What Will Yours Be?

I originally wrote this piece back in November but I am re-posting because God keeps sending people into my life that continue to inspire me. I truly believe that timing is everything and this definitely feels like it’s gonna be my time! I am ready to leave my legacy!

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I like to think  of myself as a go-getter. I’m passionate, smart, and when I truly believe in something I go hard for it. I’ve always felt in my heart that I was put on this earth to do “something special” and not until recently did that “something special” become very clear to me.

Life has a funny way of putting things in your path that you may not have seen or thought of before or maybe it really just is God fulfilling your already written prophecy. Either way, I recently met someone who has made me start thinking differently about what I want my legacy to be. I know I’m probably too young to even begin thinking about a “legacy” but the thing about leaving legacies is that all of the things that you do on a daily basis is how people will remember you. I want people to remember me as someone who made a difference.

My new friend approached me with a great idea of giving back to our community by bringing awareness to an issue that hit close to home, especially as a NYC born and bred latina. I’m not really sure what prompted her to approach me, but like I said sometimes some things are just meant to be and God just waits for the perfect time to allow them to happen.

A recent study, Latino Youth in NYC, was published by the Community Service Society (CSS) in which they identified Latino youth, more specifically, Puerto Ricans, as being the most uneducated and disconnected from the workforce despite being native born New Yorkers. 

After reading the study I really wanted to be a part of what she wanted to do. I will not get into specifics about our plan until we have all of the details finalized but helping our people, especially kids, is something that really resonated with me. I now know that this is my “something special”.  I  will focus on helping young people achieve their dreams, whatever they may be.

I was lucky in that I had a great family support system. I had great teachers. I had people in my life that really wanted me to succeed. I think that today’s youth are missing some or all of these elements in their lives and it isn’t fair. More frequently than ever, you hear about federal and state governments cutting education budgets. Teachers don’t get the support or resources that they need and all at the cost of our children. The more I think about it the more passionate I become.

I am excited about the new endeavor and journey I am now on and I know that the sky is the limit and that we will PREVAIL. I am committed to making a difference because as I said in my FB status this morning “Change begins with one person having the courage to actually do something. Never under estimate the power that YOU have.” 

I will leave you with 2 quotes from one of my favorite books, The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho:

“In order to find the treasure, you will have to follow the omens. God has prepared a path for everyone to follow. You just have to read the omens that he left you.”

“And, when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.”

How do you want to be remembered? What will your legacy be?

 

Lazar Treschan, Policy Brief Latino Youth in New York City (Community Service Society, October 2010) (http://www.cssny.org/userimages/downloads/LatinoYouthinNYCOct2010.pdf)

How Cancer Saved My Marriage

sc_couple-hands_higI’m sitting here listening to Maxwell’s BLACKsummer’s Night album and as I listen to him sing about love I’m thinking about my own love. My husband and I have been together for 12 years but on August 11th of this year we celebrated our 9 year wedding anniversary. I can’t believe that it’s been 9 years already. Where does the time go? I guess when you’re busy with life it’s easy to lose sight of what’s in front of you. 

 

Before I got married I never thought that it was something that I would do. I actually never wanted to get married.  It wasn’t in the future that I planned for myself. I was one of those girls that just wanted to have fun, focus on myself, my studies, and my career. Marriage was not for me. However, sometimes life and God have other plans for you.

 

My husband and I dated for 3 years before we jumped the broom and I have to admit that in the beginning I thought it was probably the wrong move for us. We were both young, I was only 23 and still in college trying to complete my undergrad degree. I had never lived on my own and for all intents and purposes was a daddy’s girl. I was spoiled and selfish and used to getting my way all the time.

 

Thinking back now, I wasn’t ready for the level of commitment, selflessness, and compromise that comes with the institution of marriage. Not to mention I was immature. I wanted to continue hanging out with my single girlfriends, go to clubs, and pretty much live the party girl lifestyle. I wasn’t sure how to reconcile my old life with my new life and for a long time I didn’t. We didn’t.

 

 My husband and I were pretty much “married singles”. Meaning we were able to check off that Married box you see on applications but in reality we were still living our single separate lives. We had separate back accounts, split the household bills in half, and pretty much just did our own thing. We were sort of like roommates that slept together. We continued this way for years into our marriage.

It wasn’t until my husband got diagnosed at the age of 30 with Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma that we realized it was time to grow up. Up until that point we were both living our lives individually with no real regard to each other or our marriage. His battle with cancer was the hardest thing that either one of us had ever endured at that time. I never had someone so close to me diagnosed with such a life threatening illness.

Most of us hear of cancer and automatically foresee a death sentence. For me cancer was worse than being diagnosed with HIV or Aids. People with HIV or Aids can live for years as long as they take appropriate care of themselves and take their medications (i.e.  look at Magic Johnson) but there are no life saving medications to treat or cure cancer. There is chemo and radiation but sometimes those treatments cause more harm than good.

No one really knows what causes cancer or how someone gets it. One minute you can be perfectly healthy and then the next you can have this disease slowly eating away at you from inside. It’s like a parasite that you can’t see but you know is there. Unlike protecting yourself from HIV/AIDS by using condoms there’s really nothing you can do to prevent you from getting cancer. It’s just one of those things that happen.

When he got diagnosed I thought it was a sign from God telling me “stop taking him for granted because if you don’t appreciate him I’ll take him from you”. Never had I been so scared, confused, and sad. It’s like a child lost in the middle of an amusement park with no idea where their mom and dad are; the feeling of not knowing if you will ever see your loved one again. And even though I was afraid I gave the appearance that I was strong for my husband’s sake. I knew that he was scared and that he would have to give his all to fight this disease.

There really wasn’t anyone for me to talk to or to comfort me because everyone had their own lives to live. I remember feeling really alone at that time. Similar to being the new kid at school and being ostracized because you’re different.

It was during this time that I realized that the lives we had been living had to change somehow. We could not continue on the path we were on or our marriage wouldn’t last. I put on my supportive wife hat and helped him in every way I could to fight the cancer. I was by his side for every chemotherapy treatment. I remember spending night after night at NYU hospital when he was getting his treatments. I would wake up every morning, go to work, and then return to the hospital just to be by his side.

It was tough on me but I know it was even more difficult for him. How do you fight a disease that can very well kill you? How do you not think about dieing every day and still manage to find the courage and strength not to give up? He somehow managed to do it and after 8 months of extensive chemotherapy the cancer was no longer in his  body and with God’s blessing he has been in remission for 7 years. 

As I sit here and reminisce on my relationship I see how far he and I have come. We now are both truly committed to our future. We are homeowners and gone are the days with separate bank accounts and splitting bills down the middle. We are one. And despite whatever arguments and disagreements we may have from time to time he is the one that I can count on during good and bad times.

Most of us spend a lifetime searching for someone to complete us, to make us happy, to spend the rest of our lives with but then when we find that person we take them for granted and by the time we realize that we should have treated them better it may be too late. Marriage truly is the hardest job I have ever had but it also has been the most rewarding and in today’s day of technology, the internet and social networking sites temptation is just a mouse click away.

Sex permeates through every aspect of media from the TV shows and movies that we watch to the music that we listen to. It’s hard not to notice. I’m still young, only 33 years old but I’m wise enough to know that all that glitters isn’t gold. I am focused on what I have and focused on nourishing it. Music lyrics often talk about how great love is and it is great….most of the time.  Sometimes external influences will blind us into believing that if our relationships aren’t like those detailed in the song then it isn’t love.

However, no one ever tells you that you can fall in and out of love with the same person, that’s why committing to someone is something that should not be taken lightly. The stresses of everyday life can become burdensome on a relationship causing one to feel as if they want out of that loving relationship they were once in. They say that 50% of marriages end in divorce but I believe that divorce is the easy way out. It’s so much more difficult to decide to stay together and try to work through your problems. If the love existed before why would it be impossible to get it back? It’s not impossible it just takes a commitment from both individuals.

But commitment, dedication, love, and joy can grow only when you nourish them together. If you allow yourself to believe that relationships aren’t hard work then that’s when you’re relationship is in trouble. Of course relationships are hard work. Anything worth having takes hard work. If it were easy then everyone would always be happy in there relationships. But it’s impossible to be happy in your relationship every day of your life.

Life isn’t always happy and when times get difficult most people are not willing to put in the work. We work hard at our jobs, at school, at raising children so why not work hard for our relationships? Are they not as important? Do they not reap the same rewards?

Communication and respect are the foundation of a long lasting relationship. There will be good times and there will be bad times. But deciding to continue to love each other through the bad times is what will make your relationship stand the test of time. It’s easy to love someone when times are good but the real work comes through the hardships. That is the time when you will need each other the most and that is when your commitment to one another is truly tested. 

They say that nothing worth having ever comes easy, if this is true,  why is it that when it comes to relationships people aren’t willing to put in the work? 

My Ride on the A Train: Just Another Day in NYC

I’ve never been a fan of the NYC transit system. With its overpriced fares, overcrowded trains and constant service interruptions, I’d almost rather walk to where ever I have to go than ride the train. And I actually would, if I weren’t so lazy.

The subway for me is like entering the fiery pits of hell. My skin begins to boil just thinking about it and if you’ve ever had to take the subway in the summer you know that navigating through the urine infested tunnels is worse than being burned alive.

 However, sometimes riding the train can be the stage for the many different characters that inhabit this city. Yesterday was no exception.

As the A train arrived at the 34th street station, a man gets on, who by his rhetoric I assume must be homeless. He’s yelling at nobody but at everybody and I turn my head to see what all the commotion is about. I look around half-expecting to see someone arguing but what I see is a tall man nicely dressed scolding us all for being in his “home”.

The man doesn’t look homeless, not that homelessness has any particular face but his clothes looked clean and he didn’t reek of Jack Daniels cologne, the usual giveaway.

He stood about 10 feet away from me and in the time it took to get from 34th street to 42nd street (my stop) I got an earful of some of this man’s thoughts.

He berated the passengers for being uninvited guests in his “home” and for sitting on his furniture reading our books and newspapers. “What are you all doing here, in my house”, he said. “You don’t see me coming to your homes uninvited”, he continued.

“Everywhere I go, you’re all always there. I get on the 2 train, you’re there. I go on the 4 train, you’re there. Now I’m on the A train and here you all are”, he yelled.

Clearly something was not right with him but I sat quietly in my seat trying to avoid any eye contact with him. I didn’t want him finger pointing me out. The last thing I wanted was to get into something with this man. You hear so many stories of crime and violence against innocent bystanders that I didn’t want to be today’s headline. So quiet and immobile I was. Almost as if I was in church and this ranting madman was the preacher.

“Don’t you all have a home of your own? Always at my house, you bunch of fools”.

At this point, I’m thinking “ok this man is really crazy” and I’m wondering why now of all times it is taking so long to get from one train stop to the next. Good ol’ NYC transit, you can sure count on it when you really need it. This man obviously has some type of mental problem and frankly I wanted to get off that train before I became his next victim. This is NYC, you never know.

He continued his ranting and started giving us all a math lesson. “You all think I’m crazy?” he said, almost as if reading my mind.

“Well, you’re the crazy ones”, he alleged.

“Paying $1800-$1900 for rent and your homes don’t go anywhere. I pay $2.25 and my home goes everywhere, Uptown, Downtown, to the east side, and the west side.”

“You fools are stuck in the same place all the time. Gotta come and bother me at my home”, he continued.

I look at the woman standing in front of me and you can tell we’re both thinking the same thing “this man is weird” and we both smile with amusement.

As the train approaches the 42nd street station and comes to a stop, I hear the man say “I was on vacation for awhile but I’m back. I’m back home now. I was away on a little island. Wanna know what island? Rikers Island”.

As I got off the train all I could think was “only in NYC”.

Intellectual Beauty

I am intellectually beautiful. My mind is my greatest asset. While most focus on their physical beauty, I concentrate on enriching my mind, spirit and soul because with time, even beauty fades.  Don’t be fooled by the media or by what society deems as beautiful. Those who only see physical beauty have not evolved enough to realize that there’s more to beauty than meets the eye. It is a person’s mind and soul that hold the true beauty of the individual. So few of us truly know how to appreciate this type of beauty that we focus on only what we can see. Once we learn to see the true beauty that one holds, the outer beauty no longer appeals to us and it is the inner beauty that we begin to crave and need. When you look in the mirror don’t be fooled, know that your true beauty is not what you or others see, it is what lies within. Don’t strive to be a physical beauty. Strive to be an intellectual beauty.♥

 

When It Comes To Relationships How Ready Are You??

Everyone wants to be in a relationship. There’s something about being with someone that makes us feel complete. Maybe it’s knowing that you can count on that person whenever you need them or maybe its feeling loved and appreciated by your significant other. Whatever it is, the bottom line is that everyone wants to be loved. After all, feeling loved and wanted is a basic human need, at least according to Maslow’s hierarchy of needs.

Everyone needs to feel a sense of belonging and acceptance, they need to love and be loved (sexually and non-sexually) by others. This is why most of us spend our lives searching for “the one”. We go in and out of relationships in search for that person who will love us and allow us to love them. Some people are lucky and find that person rather quickly, but others aren’t as lucky. For the latter group, it may take years to find that person.  When it comes to love and relationships, one thing is certain; no one wants to end up alone.

I don’t know what it’s like to be single. I’ve been with my husband most of my adult life. I met him when I was 20 and we’ve been together since. I guess you can say that we’ve grown together. We both lived at home with our parents when we first met. We were both still in college, and really had no idea what the future had in store for us other than we knew we wanted to be together.

Fast forward 12 years later, we’re now married, college graduates, and own our own home. Life for the most part is pretty good. The only thing we’re missing is a little one to make our family complete but when God feels the time is right I’m sure he’ll bless us.

Like I said in the beginning of this post, everyone wants to be in a relationship. If I’ve learned anything in the past 12 years is that relationships are hard work. However, most people aren’t willing to put in the work; which is why the divorce rate nowadays is so high.

Whether romantic, familial, or a friendship, each relationship requires a level of commitment, honesty, trust, and communication in order to work. Creating relationships isn’t the hard part. The hard part is sustaining them. Sustainability isn’t about a quick fix or a cheap solution. Generally, it means making a commitment & trying, as best we can, to honor it.

Commitment is essential in the sense that each individual has to put forth the same amount of effort and time into nurturing the relationship. It also means not giving up once you hit a bump in the road.

Overcoming the hurdles and adversities in a relationship helps to solidify the bond that is being formed. In any worthwhile situation we will encounter difficulties and throwing in the towel at the 1st sign of trouble may be the easy thing to do, but it doesn’t help our self-concept. Most of life’s troubles can be overcome if we are willing to work thru them. However, not many of us are willing to do this.

Honesty is something that most people overlook. Honesty isn’t only about trust because although it is important to always be truthful with your significant other honesty is also about being honest in whom you are as a person. Don’t try and hide facets of your personality or characteristics because you’re unsure how the other person will react to them. Be who you are at all times so that the person you are with loves you for who you are and not for some contrived persona you have created. You have to accept each other as is.

Communication is key in any relationship, even in business. One misunderstanding and you can blow the deal. The same goes for romantic relationships. If you don’t communicate with your partner then they can never know what your needs are. Sometimes communicating is hard but like with anything else the more you do it the easier it becomes.

I have to say that for my husband and me it hasn’t always been easy for us to keep a balance of all of those elements but we do try. And while there are times that we may fall short in some areas when it’s all said and done we love each other. It’s because of this that we continue to work at making our marriage, relationship, and friendship work. When it comes to relationships you never get a day off so if you want yours to work you have to wake up everyday ready to go to work.♥

Best Friend or Worst Enemy: What Happens When Friendships Go Wrong???

Hello my little hartbreakers  it’s been a couple of weeks since my last blog post  and I apologize for being gone for so long but I’m back and I have something on my mind that I want to share with you all.  In my 32 years of living I have had many friends. I don’t want to use the term friend lightly because I truly feel that not everyone is worthy of being called a friend. However, from my perspective,I have had many friends each at different periods in my life. My childhood friends, weren’t the same as my junior high school friends, and my jhs friends weren’t the same as my high school friends, and etc. etc. etc. The point is that although my friends may have changed throughout my life every person that I have ever considered a friend was always very important to me at the time. Sometimes people change, outgrow each other, or simply just lose contact but what ever the reason it’s no one’s fault when a friendship comes to an end or is it?

To me a friend is someone who I trust, love, and am willing to do whatever I can to help them if they need help. I will be there at 4 a.m. if you’re stranded in the middle of nowhere and need someone to pick you up. I will be there when your boyfriend/husband/significant other breaks your heart. I will be there to listen to you, to console you, and to plot out your revenge on the sorry b*stard/b*tch if need be. My home will be opened to you if you ever need a place to stay and whatever food I have I will split in half so that you won’t go hungry. As your friend that is what I will do. However, if I consider you a friend then I reserve the right to also call you out on your bull crap if needed, tell you when you’ve done something wrong, or let you know that your actions are causing you more harm than good.  If you’re my friend then I will treat you the same way that I treat my sister, with a lot of  love but there may be times when we don’t agree, when we argue, and maybe on a very rare occasion may even come to blows (hopefully as grown mature adults the latter will never happen).  But no matter what happens I will always be there for you as long as you do the same for me.  But what happens if you don’t do the same for me? What happens when you are this type of friend but the other person does  not reciprocate not even half of what you put out?

Sometimes it’s hard to see that the person that you consider a friend really isn’t much of a friend to you. They expect you to be there for them for their every occasion and moment in their life but give up an excuse when you need them to attend something for you. One excuse maybe two is acceptable but when they’re always giving excuses there’s a problem. And what it shows is that the person could care less about your life, your successes, or what is important to you. When you make one mistake and the person who you have been friends with for 15+ years suddenly ends the friendship based on that one mistake without even talking it out with you what kind of friend is that? Is that something that real friends do? I ask because it’s not what I would do but yet there are some out there that do just that. They de-friend you on a social networking website like Facebook or MySpace and it all seems rather childish to me. Not to say that sometimes as human beings we overreact and may do things in the heat of the moment that we wouldn’t normally do under calm and collected circumstances. But once you have regained your composure wouldn’t the adult thing to do be to reach out to your friend and talk about the problem? If one can let go years of friendship in the click of a mouse can you consider that a real friendship?

When you think about all the joys and pains, and fears, and laughter that comes with years of friendship your once so-called best friend can become your worst enemy. They in fact hold all of your deep down secrets and everything that was once sacred and shared can become the most vicious and painful of ammunition. I wonder if people think about that when they inadvertently, without thinking, end friendships. How quickly one forgets everything they once told you in confidence. But I guess when you’re building friendships you don’t think of those things or of the friendship ever ending. For the past 15+ years I have had the same group of close friends (with the exception of one) and I made a couple of more within the last 5 years. They are all exceptional, wonderful, understanding, and accepting of who I am as a person and friend. We have vacationed together, partied together, and cried together. We have been there when babies were born, marriages happened, and homes were purchased. We have been there for one another through the good, the bad, and the ugly. That’s what real friends do.

I will be the first to admit that I’m not perfect. Have I made mistakes during my friendships? Yes. Did I hurt someone’s feelings by my actions in the past? Probably. However, my intention has never been to hurt any of my friends. I realize that every action has its own consequence and so one must play the hand they are dealt. My actions may have ended one of my friendships in the past but I now realize that it was necessary for the friendship to end because it was always one-sided. The other person never really knew how to be a friend and I don’t blame her. Maybe I wasn’t as good a friend to her as I thought I was. Whatever the reason, it worked out for the best because it taught me a lesson. 

I learned that friendship is a two-way street. In order for it to flourish and become strong both parties need to be willing to give and take. Friendship is also about compromise. You can’t always be right. Sometimes you both have to agree to disagree. People are human and there will be times that one or both individuals will make mistakes. However, the one mistake can’t make or break the friendship. Good friendships need to be built on strong, solid foundations impenetrable by even the strongest of winds or turbulent of times. I learned that a  part of growing up and maturing is learning to accept people for who they are despite their flaws. No one is perfect and if you start to expect perfection from your friends you will only be left feeling disappointed.

In all of  my years and out of all the people who I have considered friends there has only been one person that I was very close to that I no longer speak to on a friendly basis. I have no feelings towards her, good, bad, or indifferent. When the friendship first ended there was a lot of name calling and spilling of our deepest, darkest secrets. It was ugly. I knew every thing about her (both good and bad) and she knew everything about me. We had been through a lot together as friends. So when it came down to trying to hurt the other the most, we knew exactly what to say to one another to make sure the knife dug deep. When I think about it, it saddens me (just a little) because of how the friendship ended. However, in  my opinion it was for the best as I felt that in the end she never knew how to be a friend. 

Realizing that she wasn’t a true friend to me took many years to see. They say the best way to make a friend is by being a friend and I realize that maybe I didn’t live up to her ideal of what a true friend was in her eyes. Hence, why she couldn’t be a true friend to me.  Whatever the reason is fine with me because at this point in my life I know who my friends are and I love and appreciate all of them. And to all of my former friends of my earlier years, thank you for being a part of my life at the time. I needed you.

Sometimes (not in all cases) best friends can turn into your worst enemies, this was just a personal account of my situation. Has this ever happened to any of you?

All comments are welcomed.

Visit to My Sister’s House: (Part 1: The Doctor Visit)

Yesterday, as part of my weekly schedule, I went to visit my sister, Diana, and my brother, Johanny (aka brother-in-law). I always enjoy visiting them because I get to spend time with my nieces and nephew and I also get to whip Johanny’s ass in Jeopardy.

My 2 1/2 year old nephew, JD, had a doctor’s appointment yesterday so on her way home from the doctor Diana picked me up from work.  As I get in the car I look in the back seat to say hello to JD. I notice that he is knocked out in his car seat. I tell Diana, “He’s out like a light, the pobrecito must have had a rough doctor’s visit, huh?” She says ” Yea, the doctor gave him three shots”. She then begins to give me the other details of the visit.

He’s in the 96th percentile for the size of  his head (meaning this kid has a BIG  head). It’s not just BIG but really BIG.  His head is bigger than 96 % of other boys his age. That means that only 4% of other 2 yr olds have a bigger head than he does. Bendito. JD, you have to thank ”Poppa” for that. That “big head” is a feature the poor thing has inherited from his grandpa. Thanks dad, because of you, my nephew is a mini-me version of Spongebob Squarepants. On the bright side, “Poppa” grew into his head so I’m sure JD will to…well at least I hope he will :)

He’s in the 78th percentile for his height (so, he’s taller than most boys his age) I figure this could be a good thing, maybe we have the next Puerto Rican Kobe Bryant in our family. 

Lastly, she tells me that he’s in the 45th percentile for his weight. Ok, maybe he’s a little underweight, but it’s not his fault. Since his head is so big, the rest of his body is unproportioned.

On the car ride home, my sister tells me that she has to make a stop at the supermarket (part of the deal for my weekly visits includes a clause that says she has to cook me dinner)…yup she has to feed me if she wants to see me. What can I say, I like to eat. No feed, no me.

While she’s doing her food shopping I stay in the car watching JD. I’m sitting in the front seat and I occasionally look back to make sure that he’s ok. At one point, I realize that he’s awake so I get out of the font seat and go sit with him in the back seat.

“Hi papi”, I say to him. He doesn’t respond. He looks at me with this blank stare that says “I’m tired, I had a long day, and I don’t feel like being bothered”.  Basically, he’s not in the mood for me. Despite him igoring me I continue my prodding. “Mommy told me that you went to the doctor today, how was it?” Again, he gives me a disregarding look. I know he just woke up and he’s cranky but those big brown eyes and those round rosy cheeks won’t let me stop so I decide to take take a different approach.

I say ”Give titi Nancy a kiss. I missed you”. Still no response. At this point I feel like I’m talking to myself which technically I am. But I’m no quitter so I continue.

 ”What’s wrong JD, are you still tired papi”. By this point, he starts to warm up to me, it’s either that or he figures “let me just respond to her so she can shut up and leave me alone”. 

 He says, “I fight the doctor”. I wasn’t expecting that response, but because I knew about the 3 shots he was given, I figured that was the reason for his reply. I suddenly realized that he finally replied to me and I was excited. Instead of leaving the poor kid alone, like I’m sure he thought I would, I continued the conversation, ”They gave you shots with a needle huh papi?”, I said.  He replied “Yes and it hurt”, in that cute little baby voice that just makes my heart melt. I told him, “I know, but you’re ok now”.

The next sentence that came out of his mouth caught me totally off guard. He then says , his exact words, “I hate the doctor”.  He said it so pathetically. Almost as if he was trying to get my sympathy and I couldn’t help but laugh. I know I shouldn’t have and I probably should have given him a lesson on not to use the word hate but it was so unexpected I couldn’t help it. Plus, I figured I’m just the aunty. My job is to spoil him, let the parents teach him life’s lessons.

JD playing after his doctor’s appointment.

Read part 2 : Visit to my Sister’s House: (Part 2: Okay Papi?!?!)

Visit to my Sister’s House: (Part 2: Okay Papi?!?!)

To read part 1 click here: Visit to My Sister’s House: (Part 1: The Doctor Visit)

 

Anyone that knows my sister, knows that she is a label obsessed, name chasing groupie. She likes the finer things in life and thankfully her and her husband can afford it. She spends hundreds of dollars on Christian Louboutin shoes, LV hand bags, Gucci, Chanel and Prada shades. Her kids are dressed in head to toe Burberry, Juicy, and every other expensive label there is. My oldest niece wants her own Louis bag, and she’s only 6. I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with this, I was the same way before I bought my house. But now that I have a mortgage to pay I can’t buy those things as easily and as freely as I would like to. During my visit yesterday the following occurred:

When we arrived at Diana’s house, I helped her unpack the groceries. As she began preparing dinner (baked ziti, cesar salad, and garlic bread) I sat at the table to keep her company. I was working on my blog when Johanny arrived from work. He greeted us and once he settled in he joined us in the kitchen. We began talking about our day. He gave me some suggestions on my book, we were basically catching up.

While Johanny and I were talking, Diana was serving dinner. As she begins placing the plates on the table she tells me about this new Louis bag that she wants. My sister needs a new Louis bag like she needs another head and Johanny has no problem telling her so. The problem is that although Johanny tries to keep his hands on the purse strings (no pun intended), Diana always manages to get what she wants. Johanny’s pleas of trying to get Diana to stop spending money don’t often succeed because although he has every intention to sticking to his word he always gives in.

For example, take this recent desire for Diana wanting a new purse. Johanny initially told her no she couldn’t buy it. After a couple of “pretty pleases”  and a little negotiation he gives in.

Diana: Honey I saw this new Louis bag that I want to get.

Johanny: No, Diana. We already spend too much money and you have enough bags.

Diana: Please honey. It’s a new style and I don’t have this style.

Johanny: No Diana.

Diana: Please honey. I’ll cook dinner for you every day.

Johanny: Hmmmmm. Let me think about it.

Diana: Pretty please.

Johanny: How about you cook every day plus give me “O-kaaaaaay Paaa-piiiiiii” 5 times a week for 10 minutes straight (Okay Papi: use your imagination to determine what this can possibly be lol. And when saying it, emphasize the 2nd syllable of each word) .

Diana: Damnnnn. 5 days a week for 10 minutes?? (She scratches her head and thinks about it for a minute). How about I cook everyday, give you “okay papi” 3 times a week for 7 minutes straight.

Johanny: Ummm (contemplating it for a few seconds) Ok. That’s a deal.

Now, keep in mind, I’m sitting there at the dinner table while dinner is being served listening to this negotiation going on. I almost wanted to die from hysteria. What can I say, this is normal for this family. But it made me think about marriage/relationships and how the dynamics of a relationship change once you’ve said those two magical words “I do” or move in with someone. 

What negotiation techniques would you use to get something that you really wanted?

♥Daddy’s Girl♥ (A Tribute to Great Dads)

As Father’s Day approaches, I wanted to take the time to acknowledge all of the wonderful men that not only planted the seed of life but who also have committed to nurturing and raising their creation. I don’t think good fathers get enough credit so I want to give credit where credit is due. I originally posted this article back in October 2009 as a tribute to my dad but I think this can apply to all great fathers. To all the men that are an unconditional part of their children’s lives this is for you. Enjoy!!!!

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father-daughterI’ll admit it I’m a daddy’s girl. Always have been, and always will be. In my eyes there’s no better man in the world than my daddy. All daughters should feel this way but the reality is that not all men are as great a dad as mine is.

They say that any man can father a child but not every man can be a father to a child.  Some men either aren’t strong enough to be a father, got involved with an emotionally unstable woman that won’t allow them to be a part of the child’s life or they are just complete selfish losers that care about nothing but themselves. The latter type of men disgust me and should be stripped of their ability to even create a child (yes, just cut their b*lls off). I apologize for being so vulgar but if a man can not own up to their responsibilities then they don’t deserve to be able to create another life. But whatever the reason a man has for not being a part of their child’s life, the one thing that is clear is that as a result, their will always be a void in that child’s life.

Creating a child is the greatest miracle and blessing that could ever happen to any individual. There is nothing better than creating an extension of you and nurturing and caring for that other being. Your children inevitably become a part of your legacy. Yet there are many single mothers out there raising children on their own and thousands of children with no male role model to look up to. Children without fathers tend to feel abandoned and often wonder “why didn’t my daddy want me”? How does one even begin to answer that question to a child.  I guess you can never really answer that question. Luckily for me my dad has always been there.

I have been incredibly blessed to have my father in my life. The bond between a father and a daughter is unique. For a little girl, the relationship that she forms with her dad pretty much represents the types of relationship that she will have with men in the future. My dad was the very first man I ever loved and the first man to ever love me. He showed me what being loved by a man should feel and look like, not just by loving me but by the way that he loves my mother. My dad has always given all that he has to make sure that my mom, sister and I got everything that we ever wanted and needed.

Ever since I was a little girl there was never a time that my dad wasn’t there. Not one. I remember him working 6 days a week and on his 1 day off he would pick my sister and I up from school and take us and our friends for an afternoon lunch at McDonald’s on Greenpoint Ave. A lunch a McDonald’s doesn’t sound like much but it wasn’t the lunch itself that meant so much to me but rather the time that he set aside just to be with his “girls” is what mattered to me. It’s always the small things that make the biggest impact.

I remember him being front row center at every talent, christmas, valentine, or other holiday show we had at P.S. 16 with his video camera ready to record his “little girls” performances. Those shows were often long and boring but he never missed one. He was always there.

I remember him coming home from work after a long day at work (at that time he worked in retail and often worked 12 hour days) and helping me with my homework because my mom didn’t have a clue. I remember getting  all 90′s and one 75 on my report card one year and him punishing me for getting the 75 instead of rewarding me for all of my 90′s. I didn’t understand it then but now I realize he only wanted me to do my best and he thought that I could do better than a 75. However, as time passed we would find out that in Math by best IS about a 75% :)

I remember the day he and my mom came home and told us that they’d bought us a house in Queens so that my sister and I could have a better standard of living. I remember him picking me up from night school 4 nights a week because he didn’t want me taking the train home at night alone. All these things and more showed me that my sister and I were the most important things in his life. Our happiness and safety has always been his top priority.  And this is why I have always strived to make him proud of me.

I look back to the day that I got married and I know that for him it was the happiest and saddest day of his life. The happiest because he was giving me away to a man that loved me just as he did; a man that would care and provide for me just as he did. But it was also the saddest because on that day his “little girl” had finally become a woman. I would be leaving his home and creating a home of my own and now that I am older I know that the woman I am is a direct result of his love for me.

He taught me to be a strong and independent woman. I am motivated, focused, and goal oriented because of him. I believe in myself even if no one else does. He taught me to never depend on a man for anything and I don’t. I have my own career and am an equal contributor to my household. He stressed the importance of school and education and so I went on to earn a Master’s Degree. He always said that education was the one thing that no one can ever take from you and he was right.

I feel that I owe my dad the world. And while I know he would say that I don’t owe him anything, I do. I owe him my life for if it wasn’t for him I’m sure that I could just as easily been another little girl lost. And for what I have become I could never thank him enough.

For those of you that have fathers as amazing as mine make sure to love and appreciate them while he is here. When they say life is short, it really is. No one is promised tomorrow so don’t save saying “I love you” for tomorrow when you can say it today. For those of you that may not have had your father in your life don’t let that stop you from being the best parents you can be to your children because in the end that’s all you really have. And for all those men who are fathers, remember that being a great father isn’t only about financially taking care of the child but it’s about actually being a part of that child’s life.

Children don’t remember the money you spend on them they remember the time that you spend. So make time for your kids, it will be the best reward for you and for them. Happy Father’s Day.♥

Is That What Friends Are For?

friendshipMost of us, if we’re lucky have a great circle of friends. Some of us have the same friends we had during childhood while others establish life long friendships later on in life. Whatever the circumstance, one fact remains true, and that is the need to connect and bond with another individual that completely gets and understands you.

Unlike family, who for the most part have to love and put up with you, friends choose to be a part of your life. Friends like you regardless of your faults and shortcomings. They are always ready to listen to you and tell you the truth and they support your decisions even when they may not agree. Friends are there to tell you when you’re being irrational and they’re there to laugh with you and share your grief. They are the people who aren’t afraid of telling you when they think you’ve done something stupid but they’re also there to praise you when you do things right.  Friendships are a two-way street and like any other relationship, it’s give and take. Friends have to be able to count on each other and also appreciate one another.

I have had several good friends in my lifetime, some were so close that they crossed the line from being friends to being family. These are people that spend holidays with me, that go on family vacations, they know every member of my family and fit right in. They are the individuals that I would really go all out of my way for just like I would for my sister or any other family member. In my eyes, these relationships are so solid that they are impenetrable. Meaning that there’s nothing or no one that can come in between the friendship because it’s so tight.

It’s the type of relationship that no matter how angry you may get at each other, you know you will always be there for each other. These types of friendships takes years to build. It takes years of trust, honesty, and commitment from both parties. It takes bucketfuls of tears, plenty of broken hearts, fights, arguments, and numerous ups and downs to know that you can count on that person through thick and thin. Like I said, I’m lucky to have friends like this in my life.

What I love most about my friends (my true friends) is that they know me, they really know me, and because of that they accept me for who I am. I can at times be bitchy, nasty, and rude BUT I am also loyal, dependable, honest, and if they need me all they have to do is call, even if we’ve just had the biggest fight of our lives I’ll be there.

In my circle of friends at one point or another we’ve all talked about each other (but not in a bad way). I have to stress the “not in a bad way” because people will automatically perceive talking about your friends as something tabu. In my clique, we are all like this and are aware of it. That’s why it’s no big deal if my sister and my aunt talk about me when I’m not around or if a friend and myself talk about or comment on another friend of ours. Usually what is said is something that we’ve already said to the “other” friend. I don’t say anything that I haven’t already said to someone’s face.

Some people may feel that this constitutes as “talking behind someone’s back” but to me if I’ve already told you to your face and the person that I may be repeating it to is in our “cirlce” of friends it really shouldn’t be a big deal. It may be something like “Sarah is so lucky, she has a really great guy. I would love to be taken care of like she is” or “I’m happy that she finally has put her priorities in order”. Neither or those comments, in my opinion, are harmful or malicious. However, not everyone may agree with me.

Regardless of what true friendship means to you (because it may be different for everyone), to me, true friendship is knowing that no matter what happens I can count on you and you can count on me. And if I do or say something that is hurtful or offends you then as friends we should be able to talk about it. If you can just let years of friendship go over one mistake then it really wasn’t a true friendship to begin with. As women, we can forgive a lover, a boyfriend, or spouse, that constantly hurts us but we’re not as easily forgiving of our friends.

Why is it that some women can forgive a boyfriend for cheating (for example) but just as easily throw their lifelong friendships away? Is something not right with this picture or is it just me?