Fall in Love With You…

“i found god in myself and i loved her. i loved her fiercely.”  - Ntozake Shange

Most of us spend a great deal of our lives looking for love, chasing love, recuperating from love or complaining about love. Never realizing that in our quest for love we are neglecting the person that matters most.  Ourselves.

I believe that as women we often disregard our own needs as a result of always taking care of other people. We spend so much time seeking out and working on developing external relationships that we often times forget to work on the relationship within.  We give so much of ourselves emotionally, physically, and spiritually that  eventually we end up depleted seeking fulfillment from someone else.

However, we can not look to another to fulfill us, “to complete us”, as eloquently stated in Jerry Maguire. We can only seek to fulfill ourselves, to give to ourselves that which we freely give to others; others, who often times don’t deserve it and that is LOVE.  Learn to fall in love with YOU!

Love yourself! Deeply and profoundly! Know that the most important relationship that you could ever have is the relationship that you have with yourself. When that relationship is strong you will see that you will be happier, healthier, and that you will no longer put up with or accept mediocrity from anyone.

Walk in your divine self. You are love, made from love and made to be loved. By loving yourself you teach others how to love you.  Love is not something that comes from someone else; it is an extension of our own minds, reverberating back to us in what seems to be another person’s smile (Williamson, 1993).

When you learn to truly fall in love with you, your entire life begins to change. It changes because when you are in love your main priority is making the person you’re in love with happy. Imagine applying that concept to yourself. Imagine putting your own happiness first. Only you have the power to do this. When you take back your power you take back control of your happiness because you now realize that happiness comes from within. Any happiness that you find with someone else is in addition to the happiness that you already have.

There is no other person on the Universe that can complete you. You were born a “whole” individual, you were not born in pieces. Movies and music will have you believe that in order to be completely happy you need someone else. This is a fallacy. When you allow yourself to believe this you are saying to the other person “I can only be happy if I am with you”…This sort of thinking is the thinking that allows many to stay in hurtful, dysfunctional, abusive relationships because the individual believes that they can only be happy with this abuser. Here’s a reality check if it hurts chances are you aren’t happy. Therefore why stay in a hurtful situation?

I am aware that until we get to the point where  we’ve had enough of things that hurt and long more than anything for a peaceful love, we are bound to take painful roads. We are destined to play out frivolous disasters until we declare ourselves finished and done with them (Williamson, 1993). This is the nature of life but wehen you truly love yourself you will put up with far less nonsense and get out of that unhealthy relationship much sooner.

The following passage I read somewhere and post here for all of you. It reminds me of the power that I have when I choose to take control of my thoughts and feelings.

“You can completely transform any relationship, no matter what it’s like right now.

Every single relationship you have is a reflection of how you feel inside about you. You are a magnet attracting to you all things, via the signal you are emitting through your thoughts and feelings.

Every relationship you have and every interaction with every person, is a reflection of your own thoughts and feelings in that very moment.

To transform every single relationship you have in your life:

Fall in love with YOU!

Make lists of hundreds and hundreds of wonderful things about you.

Keep adding to it every day.

Know that you are perfect. Do not think any negative thoughts about you.

Know that you are worthy and deserving of anything and everything you could possibly want in your life.

Focus on the wonderful things in every person.

Look for only those things.

Do not blame or criticize anybody, ever.
Set an intention that you are going to see the best in everything and everyone.
Make your happiness the number one thing in your life. Happiness is an inside job.

Free yourself of the responsibility of trying to make other people happy.

Respect and love them enough to allow them to take care of their own happiness.
Get your attention off those things in others that don’t make you feel good.

Appreciate and love yourself in every moment you can.

Do not expect others to behave in a way you want, so you will be happy.

Release yourself forevermore and know that you alone control your happiness and it is a choice, no matter what anyone else is doing. Love and respect yourself completely. Know that you are perfect right now.

Forgiveness

We attach our feelings to the moment when we were hurt, endowing it with immortality. And we let it assault us every time it comes to mind. It travels with us, sleeps with us, hovers over us while we make love, and broods over us while we die. Our hate does not even have the decency to die when those we hate die–for it is a parasite sucking OUR blood, not theirs. There is only one remedy for it. Forgiveness.-Lewis B. Smedes 
 
  
Today the word that I am meditating on is FORGIVENESS. It is the first word to come into my mind and so I am paying attention to it. I know that in order to continue growing and to continue healing, we must forgive ourselves and forgive all those who have hurt us.
 
We must forgive if we want to free ourselves of the pain of our past and heal our wounds.  Forgiveness means that you have made the decision to stop being angry at someone. Forgiveness allows us to move forward so that we can live happy, healthy, and productive lives; moving forward means letting go. You can’t move forward when you have chains and shackles holding you back.
 
Forgiving is never easy, but it is necessary for our healing and growth. Healing may not be so much about getting better, as about letting go of everything that doesn’t serve us – all of the expectations, all of the beliefs – and becoming who we are destined to be.
 
Letting go of anger and forgiveness are one and the same. The reason we don’t forgive is because we are angry and we are taking something personally. We believe someone deliberately did something to us and that we are a victim. The truth is, that people only hurt others because they are acting out their own inner wounding. Much of which occurred when they were children. As adults, we carry those wounds with us because we have never forgiven all those in our past that have hurt us.
 
Today, forgive yourself for doing all of the things that dishonored who God intended you to be. Forgive yourself for not living up to your fullest potential. Forgive yourself for hurting and disappointing those that you love, including yourself. Forgive yourself for allowing feelings of unworthiness to blind you of your true worth. Forgive yourself for ever doubting that you are great.
 
Forgive yourself for allowing others to disrupt your peace. Forgive those who you let into your life that were only a part of it to take from you and never to give. Forgive yourself for allowing them to use you. Forgive yourself for loving people who were never worthy of your love and forgive yourself for not loving those that were.
 
Forgive yourself for searching for someone to make you happy when all the while happiness resided within. Forgive yourself for not loving yourself enough to know that you deserved better. Forgive all those who have ever wished you harm or unhappiness. Forgive yourself for buying into others’ negative opinions of you. Forgive yourself for believing that you always had to be perfect when all you ever had to be was yourself.
 
Today the word that I am meditating on is FORGIVENESS. I practice forgiveness because it is essential for my spiritual and emotional well being. You should too!

Effectively Working with Affirmations

I found this great article by Katheryn Hoban and wanted to share it with my readers. Enjoy!

***

In my years of teaching and counseling I have come to the conclusion that many people are unsure of what affirmations are, how to use them, what great tools they can be, or what good benefits can be manifested by working with affirmations in both children and adults. In the simplest form an affirmation is a statement of a positive effect, result, or of a future event that you would like to achieve. Usually an affirmation is stated in the present moment and in positive verbiage and wordage. For an example “ I can do this” as opposed to “I’d like to do this” or “I’m going to do this.” The sentence “ I can do this” is set in the present moment and it implies confidence in one’s ability to accomplish the task and an immediacy to take action. The statement “ I’d like to do this.” Implies that it is not quite possible but you are yearning to do it but (something out of your control) is preventing that. “I’m going to do this” implies sometime in the future when all the conditions are right. In that case we can make an assumption that the conditions will never be right.

To effectively work and create affirmations for yourself or child it is better to create patterns of repetition in saying the phrase out loud many times per day if need be, or weekly and using a creative visualization technique to anchor the effects of the affirmation in your mind and your body. For an example if you wish to give up smoking. The best way to phrase the affirmation would be “I’m smoke free.” “I enjoy being smoke free.” “ I enjoy being a non-smoker.”
In these examples you would repeat the affirmations and design a creative visualization (of events in the future but seen in present moment time) of you being a fulfilled non-smoker. You could imagine yourself doing an activity and feeling free and joyful that you are without a cigarette. You could imagine that you are visiting with children who previously were reluctant to spend time with you because of your smoking and how much you enjoy that visit. You could imagine that you feel the breath in your lungs very different and that you can actually breathe freely.

In working with children, repetition is a key. You can make it into a game of movement and imagination that children love. The affirmations can be repeated together and new images or visualizations can be incorporated into the game. For instance, I use an affirmation with children that is very powerful and fun and it creates a strong visual image for them. “I stomp out sickness.” When we are in a circle we stomp our feet on the ground and pretend that we are stomping sickness into the earth. They enjoy games and imagery like this immensely and it creates effective anchors.

For adults too the same sort of movement can be used to create an anchor. You interrupt a pattern of stagnation with the new movement. For instance, if you threw your arms up into the air and then out in front of you in a big sweeping gesture, and then said an affirmation such as “I’m free!” “Big pathways are opening up for me!!” You would immediately feel the vibrancy and the expansion of that affirmation. An anchor of thought and the physical action would then be created in your mind. Every time that you said that affirmation, and did that gesture of the big sweeping arm movements a thought of freedom and lightness would be interpreted into your brain. You would begin to feel the joy associated with that movement and those words.

On repeating the affirmations, a new pattern of hope, expectancy and action would be created for future moments to unfold. Of course you don’t have to make a big physical gesture to interrupt the pattern of thought. However when you can add physical movements, gestures or sounds, the affirmation becomes more effective and can promote a transformation more quickly. If you can picture in your mind the thing that you want to achieve, as if it is already done, and you are feeling wonderful about receiving it, that combined with the affirmation is a very effective tool of change.

Let’s look at some affirmations. “I’m easily and effortlessly attracting the right business contacts to promote my work.” If you imagined in your mind; the smiles, the handshakes and the business meeting going very well and the ultimate picture of you receiving the benefits of new business and the achieving the results that you want and need every time that you said that affirmation, you begin to attract what you are confirming to the universe.

“I am fearless.” If you said this out loud it would be very effective to raise your voice and emphasis the word fearless. If you raised your hand in a strong gesture it further anchors the strength and courage that you feel in your body. The visual image that may go along with “I am fearless,” could be seeing yourself confronting a strong adversary and you looking right into his or her eyes and feeling in your heart that you are too strong to cower, and that you are planted firmly to the Earth.

“I can do this easily and effortlessly.” Imagine yourself in the zone so to speak where you barely make any effort at all and everything falls into place. Feel in your body and heart, how joyful, casual and confident you are about everything coming quickly together for you. Use an example in your past successes when something came together just as easily and remember how happy and light you felt when it did.

“I am the perfect weight for me.” Instead of focusing on how much weight you wish to lose, which implies that you are not perfect as you are, focus on how it would feel to fit into the size jeans that you always wanted to fit into. Also focus on how good it would feel in your slim clothing and seeing yourself in the mirror at the weight that your body looks absolutely fabulous in. See yourself very energized with your newly trim fit body, and how then you would act, walk, run, play and enjoy yourself.

Affirmations are best spoken out loud; the vibrations of the spoken positive expression are impactful to your psyche or a child’s. They are also best repeated until a new pattern is created. Create your own affirmations, or read from a book of affirmations, or listen to affirmations on tapes or CD’s. Keep revisiting these affirmations daily. Affirmations build confidence, help you to overcome low self-esteem, create balance, and space, helps you to get past feelings of guilt, and condemnation, clears obstacles, or limitations, create new patterns of health and well-being, and may produce feelings of prosperity and abundance. Of course Affirmations are not a cure-all, but they are very powerful and effective tools for you and your child to transform a challenging area in life. Every time that you say an affirmation with conviction you are creating a new unfolding moment to engage in a new fulfilled, balance, healthy, or abundant way of being.
_______________________
Katheryn Hoban is a certified yoga teacher and Reiki Master teacher with 10 years of experience. She has created two CD on affirmations. (Affirmations for Children and Teens and Affirmations for Adults.)
She can be reached at PO Box 7564 North Bergen, NJ 07047 or e-mail katscoolcorner@yahoo.com. You can purchase each CD for $10 + 2.00 shipping and handling or with paypal.
Wholesale prices are also available for a minimum purchase of 10 CD’s @$4.00 per CD plus $1.00 shipping ($50.00). Paypal is also an acceptable form of payment.

Eulogy

Reflections of a life spent crouching corners,
dingy couches in smoky lounges
Searching for the next willing participant to play this game
To implant my seeds with no real regard to consequence
Severing ties in barren wombs
Terminating life
Never expecting you to blossom from unfertilized potential
 
Another addition on my black list of shame
No intentions to call, never even knew your name
Somber portraits of lovers past sing soliloquies
Into succulent black holes
For self fulfilling prophecies
 
Rewind
 
Crawl back in time
Into the uterine walls
Before aspirations were deceased
Never loving you
Because I didn’t know how to love myself
Never knowing you
Because I was scared to know myself
 
Looking for me
In nameless faces
In shameful places
Unrequited love, is all you received
 
This is my attempt to write the wrong
To sew back the threads of life
That I took away from you
 
Tears line paper
Menacing memories leave me maimed
Palpitated heart loses rhythm
All I feel is shame
 
Forgive me Father for I have sinned
I have allowed foreign fingers to caress her skin
Allowed her to fall in love with useless men
Because I wasn’t man enough to love her
 
Drunken words soaked in disappointment
Dilute a regretful heart
I am broken
I am the scar that she wears condescendingly
Reminding her that she will never heal
Reminding me that she will never feel
The love that only I could give her
 
Forgive me for running away from my responsibility
Forgive me for desecrating her virtue for my vanity
Forgive me for the painful memories of armor she now carries
To hide the wounded child searching for a father
Who never bothered to search for her
Forgive me for never loving her the way
A father should love a daughter
 
I will never rest in peace but
If you ever find it in your heart to forgive me
You can read my last words in my eulogy

Happy New Year

I can’t believe it’s a new year. 2011 seemed to go by so quickly.  So much has happened since my last blog post and I apologize that I haven’t posted anything since September. Shame on me. I am back and I am committed to posting at least one new blog a week. I will try to get back to my daily posting, but I’m so busy lately that it may be a little challenging.

First, let me start by telling you what I’ve been doing these past 3 months. As many of you know, in my last blog I was preparing for my first book release. The turnout was amazing. The room was full of love, positive energy, and individuals who all took time out of their day to support me. It’s amazing how when you set out to do something great the Universe somehow provides you with exactly what you need at that time. Needless to say I sold a lot of books and was able to re-connect with people that I haven’t seen in years. It was a truly memorable night.

During that same time, I also started a new job as the Associate Director of Operations of one of NYC’s public hospitals. Trying to adjust to a new position takes some time, but I’m finally starting to get into the swing of things. Additionally, I am slated to begin my first semester in the MFA in Creative Writing program that I was accepted into.  The New York City Latinas Writer’s Group workshops will also begin this month with me as one of the facilitators. There are so many good things in store for me this year and I am ready for whatever the Universe has to offer.

As we all embrace the new year let’s do so knowing that we are capable of doing anything that we set our minds to. Be great in all that you do and you will create greatness. Expand your mind, open your heart, and grab 2012 by the horns and run with it. Make this year YOUR year.

For more info on the New York City Latina’s Writers Group visit our FB page http://www.facebook.com/?ref=tn_tnmn#!/groups/81895133392/

Official Welcome To Heartbreak Book Release

I have been writing for as long as I can remember. When I was in second grade, as part of a library project, I wrote my first book How the Pig Got It’s Curly Tail. While that book never made it out of the P.S. 16 library, my hope is that this book makes it all around the world. I live by the motto “Dream BIG and if that doesn’t work dream BIGGER.” It has always been my dream to touch someone through the written word and finally, my dream is coming true. Please join me as I celebrate my first self-published literary work, Welcome to Heartbreak. You can purchase the book at Createspace @ www.createspace.com/3512555 or at Amazon @ http://www.amazon.com/Welcome-Heartbreak-collection-affirmations-heartbreak/dp/1456405357/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1318202855&sr=8-3 it is available in print and for the Kindle and NOOK e-readers. 

Date: Friday, October 28th, 2011

Place: Room 63, Brooklyn, NY 11206

Take the J,Z, or M going towards Brooklyn/Jamaica Center to Lorimer Street (it’s 3 stops across the Williamsburg Bridge). Start out going North on LORIMER STR. Turn right onto MONTROSE AVE. Arrive at 63 MONTROSE AVE.

This event will be hosted by CreativeINK’s Maria “Escribidora” Morales.

Reading & Author signings: 8-11 pm

After party to begin promptly after

*Fun giveaways

*Free raffle ticket with purchase of book

*Special surprise guest readers

About the book:

In this compelling memoir, told through prose and poetry, Nancy Arroyo-Ruffin walks through the fire to face her most painful memories and does so openly and honestly. Raised on the ruthless streets of Brooklyn, NY in the 1980′s, Arroyo-Ruffin takes us on a thrilling voyage of love, loss, and heartbreak.

Full of inspirational quotes & positive affirmations, Welcome to Heartbreak, is a literary portrait depicting the hardships many women endure when transitioning from childhood to adulthood. It is about accepting the past and learning how to move forward from unhealthy situations.

From surviving the brutal murder of a close relative, to helping the love of her life battle a deadly illness, to having her deepest desire snatched from her womb; this is a gripping account of one young woman’s determination to heal herself through love, forgiveness, and acceptance. Burned and pillaged by some of the people she trusted most, this phoenix rises from the ashes to show us that even through heartbreak, beauty and happiness can flourish.

“Life is full of heartbreak but instead of dwelling on that which causes us pain we must embrace it, allow ourselves to feel it, release it and use that heartbreak as a catalyst for success. Heartbreaks don’t break us, they make us stronger.”- Nancy Arroyo Ruffin

 *The book will be available for purchase via Amazon.com in October.*

About the author:

Nancy Arroyo Ruffin is a New York City born and bred Puertoriqueña. Raised on the rough streets of Brooklyn during the 80’s. As a writer, poet, and spoken word performer Nancy is breaking down barriers one stone at a time. She does it all with her voice and determination to inspire, build, create, educate, nurture, support and empower one person at a time. She describes herself “as a strong American Puertoriqueña who believes that the only limits that exist are those that we impose on ourselves. Anything we set our minds to is possible.”

Nancy is a graduate of Bernard Baruch College and holds a Bachelor’s degree in Accounting and an MBA in Healthcare Management. Her literary work has been published in the on-line magazines Sofrito for Your Soul, The Daily Voice, and The Brooklyn Rail. Her work will also be appearing in the upcoming anthology “Joy Interrupted: An Anthology about Motherhood and Loss” published by Fat Daddy Farm Press in early 2012.

Nancy is currently a student of the Cave Canem Workshops in Brooklyn, NY. She has performed at various venues throughout NYC including but not limited to Capicu Poetry and Cultural Showcase, Babble in the Bronx, The CreativeINK Poetry Series, La Loba Poetry Series, the Lolita Bar, The Nuyorican Poets Café and will appear as a feature at El Museo del Barrio’s Speak Up Speak Out poetry event in November, 2011.

 Nancy is the creator and main contributor of welcometohartbreak.com where she writes about life and relationships. Welcome to Heartbreak: A collection of poems, short stories and affirmations about love, life, and heartbreak is her first published book and she is currently working on a novel.

 

PSA: The Fall of An Empire

The following was inspired by Harryette Mullen’s We Are Not Responsible

This is a public service announcement:

The revolution will not be televised on gunmetal screens. Pay close attention to the sanguine liquid left behind, by the God fearing martyrs as they plan to eliminate you. We cannot be held liable if we fail to protect you. Watch as the phallic powers collapse into obscurity. Observe a society that was built to last, crumble and fall. Be prepared to surrender your inalienable rights in lieu of The Patriot Act. We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men
are created equal, except in Arizona. Life, liberty, and the pursuit
of happiness can only be found in books our youth cannot access. It is not our fault that you cannot read. War is expensive, education, the price. Single mothers start saving up bail money. If you cannot afford an attorney, one will be provided for you. We are not responsible for what happens to you behind interrogation walls. Please sit quietly as we coerce you into a false confession. You are innocent, until proven guilty beyond a reasonable doubt, except if you are Troy Davis. If we mistakenly execute you, please accept our sincerest apologies. We reserve the right to shoot first and ask questions last. In the event of an error, our officers will be put on desk duty. If you have been treated unfairly, you can request a hearing. Understand that it is not our duty to listen to you. Please proceed to the end of the line, even though you have an appointment. You will be seen in the order that we decide.
©2011 Nancy Arroyo Ruffin

Remembering a Brother

There are some things in life that we simply have no control over. Death is one  of those things. In 34 years of life, I have experienced a lot of death. I’ve had grandparents, uncles, aunts, and cousins die and dealing with the loss of a loved is never easy.

When I was 16 I lost one of the closest people in my life.  At the age of 15 my cousin Macho was murdered at point blank range when an altercation with another kid escalated out of control.  Almost a brother to me his death left a void that still has not been filled and it never will be. Although he was one year younger than me he always thought and acted like he was older than me. He was protective of me. I cherished him.

Today Macho would have celebrated his 33rd birthday and I can’t help but wonder how his life would have been had it not been taken from him. Things that seem so important as teenagers really are minute when we think of them in the greater scheme of things. I often wonder if his murderer, only a child at the time as well, ever thinks about the life that he took. I wonder if he is remorseful.  I wonder if he ever thinks about the little girl who had to grow up without her father.  At the time of Macho’s death he left behind a 1 yr old baby girl. This baby is now a 16 year old beautiful young woman. I wonder if the murderer ever asks himself “was it really worth it?”

Today as I celebrate and remember him I think about the wonderful person he was. I remember how much he loved his family. I remember how much he loved chocolate milk. I think about all of the pranks he liked to pull.. I remember how he handcuffed my other cousin to the stairs in my house just because he wanted to. lol. I remember how girl crazy he was and how he dated every one of my girlfriends. I remember our summer trips to Puerto Rico where he almost drowned me in our aunt’s pool. I remember how mischievous he was. But most of all I remember him always having my back. I remember him having my  back when I got jumped in high school. I remember having his back when he got jumped by neighborhood kids not caring that I was the only girl involved in this fight with a group of boys.

Macho was loved by a lot of people but as much as he was loved he was also hated. He was a bad ass. He wasn’t afraid of anyone or anything. He never backed down from a fight and if you messed with his family he was the first one there to defend them. This bad ass attitude is what eventually did him in. When he was confronted by his assailant he told him “You better kill me because if you don’t I’m gonna kill you” and he meant it. That’s just how fearless he was.

When I first learned that he had been killed I took it really hard. I had lost a brother and a friend. His mother lost a son. His grandmother lost a grandson. His sister lost a brother and his daughter lost a father. We were all grieving and at the time I was immensely depressed and I had no one to talk to about my feelings. I remember writing a poem to help me cope with my grief and his death was what inspired me to write my first poem. I have been writing ever since. Ironically, in some way his death gave birth to my most precious gift.

So as I sit here and write this I am grateful for the relationship that he and I shared. I am thankful for all of the memories that him and I created.  It has been over 15 years since his death and I still miss him terribly. His death taught me how precious life really is. One minute you can be here and the next you can be gone. We all have to appreciate every single day that we wake up and are able to spend it with those that we love. Cherish those moments. Make the most of those moments. Time is valuable and shorter than you think, don’t waste it.

Happy Birthday Macho…you are missed and never forgotten.

Queen

I am Brooklyn Bridge strong,

can’t nobody hold me down

Unless I let them…

I am Statue of Liberty tall

and I will not bow down

Just because you feel inadequate

I am the Caribbean sky dressed in

golden hues of ambition you wish you could lay under

A daughter of royalty

And so I shall act accordingly

I will NOT be a cheap Canal street

knock off of what others think I should be

I am the hottest car on the block

Fully loaded…but I am not for sale

I was BORN for a purpose

More than just that road

You think you can walk all over

The backbone to your existence

I was NOT created solely for your

Viewing pleasure

Although I am pretty

You will not define me by looks

I AM

2 degree holding

College educated

But well versed in street vernacular

So don’t get it twisted when I burn

You with my tongue…

I AM

the Susan B Anthony suffragette movement

and I will vote your ass right out of office

if you don’t treat me like

the queen that I am

I AM

Harriet Tubman salvation

Follow me and

I can get you to the Promised Land.

Take you back to the mother land

Back to where we are all one

Despite our skin tone

Back to where we don’t have to espeak de ingles

If we don’t want to

Because…

            I AM

La isla del encanto

La brisa acariciando tu piel

Yo Soy

Sueños realizado

Mis palabras mi munición en esta querra de identidad

Yo Soy

Las olas del mar

ven bañate en mi libertad

            Yo Soy

Las parrandas en las Navidades

escucha mi canción

            Yo Soy

Platanos maduros, chuleta fritas, arroz y habichuelas

Ven y alimentate en mí

            I AM

Food for your mind, soul, and spirit

500 hundred years in the making

Crafted to perfection

            I AM

What I say I am and I say that

I AM a Queen!

The Waters Within

My parched lips search for
the sweetness of steady waters
I search for the endless
rhythm of the ocean
so that I may bathe myself in
velvet hopes of new beginnings.
My heart tugs strings weaving back
together the strands of my soul
Intricate tapestry folds peeking through
the veil of my truth that reminds me
of the beauty that lies within.

Once dried up inside,
baptize me so that I may be reborn
an oasis rising from a sandy wasteland
created to quench the thirst of 1 million skies.
Cleanse me with daily gratitude,
trust, patience, fruitfulness, and love.

For your rippled waves
have awakened dormant dreams
that once flowed through me
like the great Nile River.
Through parted waters
and into the desert of infancy
I found myself again.
I valued myself again
I loved myself again.

And when the tides change
Because they always do,
I will take shelter in the land of Me.
For I have now found my voice.
I have now found my light.
I have now found my strength.
I am caught in a spiritual current.
I am now transformed.

 

Nostalgia


Tonight I want it to rain
blades of nostalgia that pierce through my skin
washing away every memory we created~
Purging my body of the toxins that remained after
you infused me with your poisonous tongue, the battle scars inflicted during our version of World War II
still haven’t healed…
You are a nuclear power plant
Landmines,
Bombs,
Ak-47′s
Powerful and destructive
I have to get out of harm’s way
The dust hasn’t even settled yet
But I’m done settling
This is not Plymouth Rock
you cannot plant your seed in me
raise your flag and
claim your territory
So tonight I want it to rain
Rain hard, puncture my subconscious
Let my blood shed for all to see
Tattered skin, misused and abused then thrown to the side
like an old pair jeans that fit your body just a little too perfectly.

 

This poem was written as I listened to Adele’s ‘Right as Rain”…so I guess the song inspired me to write this for sometimes love isn’t “right as rain”.
 

Lovers Quest…

I cannot compare myself to those who came before me or to those who come after me…
All I can do
is leave an imprint of my presence
on your subconscious
so that even when you’re not thinking about me,
you’re thinking about me.
I am permanent marker
You cannot erase me
Did you think it would be that easy…
to forget
the map that you
carved on my vessel
on your voyage home
as you navigated your way
through my tunnels,
my canals,
lost deep
in the ocean of my scent
heavy rains fall on bamboo leaves
that quench parched soil
I soak it all in as you suck me back to
a throwback moment in time where…
my heart tugs strings,
inhaling melodic sounds
drunk off tainted skin..
Ancient hearts and modern minds
dance to the timeless rhythms of the past,
the tantric beats of our love muscle,
an exercise we’re both fluent in…
my preferred tongue
As I open up
like a black hole, allowing you
to swallow me whole.

Ode To Sunshine Pt. II: My Version

Ode to sunshine she is,
at least in his eyes…
She is–
chest crushing heat
burning through blinds and curtains
still dry air that suffocates
with only a smile.
She is–
warmth that penetrates deep within
his soul’s desire.
His ray of hope
saturated with prayers and dreams
without even trying.
How could this be
when she belongs to another
sits in another sky
in a sea of empty space
weaving a future from a tangled past
basket full of empty promises
he wants to make come true
like nights spent under Parisian skies
viewing paintings at the Louvre
bathing in spiritual love
chasing butterflies
in indigo hues
a magnetic, gravitational pull
lost in momentum
protecting the memory
that is still wet with tears.

Ode to Sunshine

By Latif Chris Alexander

As the sunrise, I reflect

I see u again,

and then I know

the day will bring forth pleasures of joy.

Beaming through my blinds & curtains

Shining and trapped on my face but

I lay still and don’t want it to escape.

Hello & good morning to Sunshine

She’s my sunshine

a ray of hope

ya portrait so hot it should be placed in steel frames

such a sweet gesture that it can humble the hungriest tiger or

heal the sickest patient

the hidden cure that medicines can’t concur

The mornings view remind me of you

my rage and fears are finally subdued

fiery hot, admire you..How can I NOT?

plus your grace & style exemplifies your smile

I never want to see the sun go down or

the moon to appear

ya smile is my sunshine

if it was up to me it will shine all year.

SEPTEMBER 23, 2008

I’ve wanted to write about you for awhile. I’ve wanted to write about you for 2 years 2 months & 15 days to be exact. That’s how long you’ve been gone & for as long as I have been wanting to write about you I just never found the right words to put on paper that would memorialize all that you meant to me. I tried, I mean I tried many, many times but the words just wouldn’t come. I used to sit in my room for hours wishing, hoping, waiting kind of like a kid on Christmas Eve waiting up for Santa Claus to appear & I waited & waited & waited & those damn words just wouldn’t come. They just wouldn’t. I’d draw a blank every time I would put the pen to paper. Then I realized that maybe I would never find the “right” words to say because how could I ever accurately describe the hole that has been permanently left in my heart. You were my little brother except, you weren’t. You were my cousin but our connection was so close that it didn’t even matter.

And I always think of you this time of year. I’m not sure if it’s because we just celebrated Thanksgiving or if it’s because your birthday just passed or if it’s both. But the truth is I think about you a lot. I remember you as a child, you were young, you were innocent, the pride & joy of your mom & dad because you were their only baby. You were happy, like, you were always really, really happy. Always laughing, always smiling. In fact, that’s what I remember most about you, your smile. It was infectious; it was so bright that you could light up the darkest room. But no amount of light could ever brighten up the darkness that resided in your head or the demons that took over your mind.

At first, it started off as just a small flicker but gradually, day after day, month after month, year after year, the older you got the darker it became and the voices, well, the voices became louder, the voices became clearer. You tried to get us to hear them but we just couldn’t. Yours were silent screams and they fell on deaf ears, so you were just left alone in your own world, in your own space in time, in your own hell because no one could ever understand you. We all had a ferocious kind of tunnel vision blind to what was staring us right in the face. We didn’t notice. We just didn’t notice. Looking at you but not seeing that you were sick. After all, You were always just our little baby boy dressed up in a white t-shirt and pampers; the same boy that used to wear his mother’s tacos in the house and walk back and forth, back and forth, back and forth just because you liked to hear the click clack sound that they made.

And your mom, I remember her too. I never told you this…but, I hate that bitch. She was the one that got you sick. She remarried and let another man take your place. You should have been the first man in her life but she left you, abandoned you, and then replaced you with newer, improved models, your younger brother and sister. Because you, you were broken. Cracked in all the wrong places and you could never be fixed. But she couldn’t return you and get her money back so instead she left you in a 2 bedroom project apartment alone to conquer your demons. But you didn’t conquer them because they grew bigger and stronger and no amount of Haldol could ever be prescribed because eventually they conquered you.

And everyday I ask myself, why couldn’t we see it? Why couldn’t we see it? WHY THE FUCK COULDN’T WE SEE IT? Why couldn’t we see it before it was too late? But your dad, your dad finally saw it. You were his best friend, his one and only soul mate and a piece of him died that day too. I look at him and no longer see the man that he used to be. He’s no longer living. I mean, he’s alive, he’s breathing & walking & his body is here but his soul is not; because for the last 2 years, 2 months, and 15 days he carries with him the unbearable lightness of existence and in him has drowned a young boy that has been replaced by an old man full of guilt and regret. And each day, he awakes to a world that no longer has meaning because his world ended on September 23, 2008.

Poem: Gibraltar

Night out with the girls I just wanted to have fun
Never looking for what I found
But I reeled you in
With my
flirty talk
My sexy walk
yea you was
kinda nice …
tall, dark, handsome
combined with the perfect
mix of thug & intellect
Just my type of guy
offered me a ride home
cuz I was about 5 drinks passed drunk
Yet sober enough to know
that heaven had manifested
itself in you
Fast forward
1 year later
On bended knee
outside Baruch
You asked &
I said yes
never knowing the lessons
in love & life you would eventually teach me
Really living our vows
like in sickness & in health
Impregnating me with hope
when that cancer crept up
though never giving up
knowing u were way
too young to die
So instead,
you schooled me like teacher
& showed me what a real fighter was
10 years later
You’re still the champion
Pillared columns tall
Herculean strong
We are GIBRALTAR
rock hard steady
Cuz can’t nobody hold you down baby,
like you hold me when shit gets real
Loving me
Like song
Like verse
Like lyric
Like note
Like…
Losing my religion
Loving me
Like bible
Like Koran
Like Jesus
Like Allah
Like Islamic radical
Loving me
Like salvation
Like a breath of fresh air
Like light
Like brand new
Loving me…
when I couldn’t
even love myself
But you did
Because
you took your time
to study me
even when I was
CPA exam difficult,
like acquisitions and mergers
Realizing that you didn’t
want to conquer me
but instead stand side by side
like the number 11 with me
Shine like the sun in August with me
Walk on the beach
Make mental love on
another plane with me
Take over the world and
travel the road less taken with me.
And all along always showing me that
THIS is how love is supposed to be. 
 

©2011 All Rights Reserved Nancy Arroyo Ruffin

The Chosen…

They say the child chooses the mother

 before they are conceived.

 They search and search until they

Find the perfect place to settle in
Like 1492 Columbus did
In search for a new world.
Yet here I am…
a woman not worthy to
hold the title of mother for
no child has chosen me
to be its home
life sentenced protector~~
Created to breathe life into its lungs
Birth seeds of hope from my ovaries
that will bloom silk petals of the heart
Beauty wrapped up in
golden satin sheets of new beginnings
Carrying within it a shock of ambiguity,
A soul thought up
But undelivered.
Magnificent one, all mine,
A mirror perched
Beyond my reach,
A colossal presence, you sting
with continuity underneath my skin
You are in the ark of my blood
in the river of my bones
in the crests of my muscles
in the ligaments of my hair
in the wit of my hands
in the smear of my shadow
You are everywhere
And nowhere simultaneously
Driven by the restless urge to create
I am inseminated with cultural reminders
of what it means to be a woman.
The woman of the house
Maid to clean,
wash,
cook,
take care of my husband
and when the time comes
bear his child.
But I sit still and wait.

I am a broken clock
that doesn’t tick
My time has not come.
I have not been chosen
to miss those cycles
of the moon rising within
My womb weeps blood tears,
the months the shards of grief begin
flowing through me and out of me
iridescent stem of womanhood.
For the sea of faith,
was too once full
I see you behind
a thin-walled glass veneer of time.
Not meant to be, not born
Yet omnipresent, brown-eyed, laughing,
blowing caramel kisses in the wind.
Above the air I breathe
heavy rainclouds
finally release their pain
ragged currents flow down my cheeks
all of your beauty, has come to an end
I solemnly mourn the death of a dream
Because the nature of life has made it so.

 

Click on the link for video of me reciting this poem: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_WtOgC6-_P4

La Grifa~

Me llaman la grifa~

niña linda,

pelo malo~

because

it wouldn’t obey

untamable beast

told to relax

as the lie (lye) concoction

burned the kink out of my hair

erasing temporarily the part

of me that I hated the most.

Genetically made up to be wild

not to be tamed

or managed

or straightened

or subdued

or laid flatly with

no body or bounce

No…that

could never be me.

For …

I am too relentless

to conform

to transform

to be altered

into something

that I wasn’t really destined

to be.

 

Originally published 4/04/11 in honor of National Poetry Month

Marissa

Mommy you will never call me for that title belongs to someone else, yet you will

Always be my first child…for I have been there to see you grow like the flowers of a

Royal water lily and its many transformations, petals white as jades full of virginal

Innocence releasing aromatic scents of independence that will attract many trying to

Strip you of your beauty and rob you of your virtue, so I say bask in the richness of your

Soul for the light that you have within can never be dimmed unless you

Allow it…..


 

Today’s poem was written in acrostic form. An acrostic poem is one that uses a word or phrase (usually the theme or the underlying subject matter of the poem) written vertically.

Each letter of the word/phrase then acts as the beginning letter for a new line of the poem. Whatever is written using each letter must connect to the subject matter.

 

Poem:: Not My Mother’s Daughter

Syncopated rhythms over conga beats,
I saunter in the footprints of
men and women of generations passed.
Dissecting myself a cadaver,
open and free.
From the bomba y la plena,
from the sugar cane factories
to the bench of the Supreme Court, we…
have come a long way.
Having studied many times
The marble which was chiseled out for me—
By the calloused hands of the slaves that came before me
taken against their will from the mother land–
to toil the earth of Boriquen..

In truth, it pictures not my destiny
but my responsibility.
Because four centuries of Spanish rule
has brainwashed some, of the African
blood running through our veins.
Forgetting that
the pigment of our skin is—
as deep and dark,
as the holds of the ships
that transported them.
Yes! For we too are black.
Ashamed of our past
we reject ourselves
Trying to conform to
A non-conscious–
ideology.

Wanting to be white,
Trying to do what’s right
We are our mother’s daughters
So we learn to do as we’re told
Studying like an exam
What it means to be a Latina
Niña don’t speak up
This is not your right
Taught to be passive
Supportive nurturers of the home
Beautiful doll
With a painted smile
You are a woman
Learn to play your role

But with MY voice
I will break the cycle
I will speak up
I will be heard
I will not be shy
I will not be timid
I will be strong
I will educate
Because in this
I am not—
my mother’s daughter.

Originally published 04/01/11 in honor of National Poetry Month

Emotional Rollercoaster

 Deep wrinkled, hollowed eyed, burned by the sun
flashes of red, crisscross onyx covered retinas.
No longer able to contain emotions,
hyperventilating, sweating, shaking, stomach flipping because I've never really liked roller coasters.
Reaching elevating highs, only to be overtaken by catapulting lows,
who in their right mind enjoys this?
Strapped in tight, blasting tunnels lit with
projections of stars, galaxies, asteroids, and other cosmological bodies,
cuz this SHIT is like outerspace,
and pretty little girls still believe in fairytales
like Cinderella, that glass slipper, Prince Charming and love.
But I'm not a little girl and I know better.
Love? Let me tell you about love,
cuz these movies, songs, and shit got it twisted!
Love isn't patient love isn't kind
And I'm not bitter I've just…been through enough to know that love is hard, love is mean, love is jealous,  love is insanity , a deluge of irrationality that will have you
PM Dawn singing "I'd Die without You"
Slipping in between happiness and sadness, on the brink of an emotional coma
Suffocating, cuz his love is the only thing that resuscitates you.
And with eyes full of molten lava, you let him have his way with you
emotionally rape you, let him fuck you then fuck you over
Strip you, penetrate you, leave you naked because
The things you thought you wanted, once louder than the heavens,
are now darker than the sky.
Loving him was an unsolvable sudoku puzzle
a bunch of numbers in squares that just didn't fit.
And now there are no pictures, no letters, nothing tangible to hold onto.
Only the transitory memory of how he used to love you.
"I remember the way you used to love me" singing in my Faith Evans voice
But I'm not Faith and this isn't a love song.
This is me envisioning our bodies, trapped in a lucid dream where butterflies metamorphasize into caterpillars 
and gusts of wind blow away the last traces of honey flavored kisses.
Recollections of newborn, can't sleep at night kind of love, a crying baby waiting to suckle its mother 's breast kind of love
Walks in central park in the summer just because kind of love
That type of, you can't breathe without me kind of love, air that pierced your lungs with life kind of love
And you, you would marvel at my beauty like I was some type of Van Gogh, Da Vinci painting and shit.
You were "Starry Nights" and I was the "Mona Lisa".
Until the day that you weren't,
Until the day that I wasn't.
Until the day "we" ceased to exist.

Que Bonita Bandera: The History of the Puerto Rican Flag

The month of June is always full of many events celebrating the Puerto Rican Culture. There are various street festivals along with the National Puerto Rican Day celebrated this month. In honor of these celebrations and of my culture I am providing you all with a brief history on our beautiful bandera

Back in October 2010 I had the pleasure of attending an exhibit at El Museo del Barrio in Spanish Harlem. The exhibit titled “Nueva York (1613-1945)”  was presented in collaboration with the New-York Historical Society and this intriguing exhibition revealed the powerful role that Latinos and Spanish-speaking countries played across four centuries to help shape New York into the most culturally vibrant city in the world. Art works, documents, printed books, artifacts, an installation by Puerto Rican artist Antonio Martorell, and a documentary by Ric Burns all served as testaments to this dynamic history.

I learned many new things at this exhibit, one of them being the history of our beautiful flag.  As a Nuyorican, Puerto Rican history was not taught to me in school. Therefore, I find that as an adult I have to teach myself about my heritage and I am willing to share my knowledge with you all.

I always wondered why the Puerto Rican and Cuban Flags looked similar. If you’ve ever wondered the same thing and didn’t know why, here is the reason.


 

The design of the Puerto Rican flag reflects the close ties that bound the Cuban and Puerto Rican Patriots in the 19th centuries. The flag was first used on December 22, 1895.

A group of 59 Puerto Ricans led by Dr. Julio J. Henna, gathered at “Chimney Corner Hall” in Manhattan and organized a political group (Puerto Rican Revolutionary Committee), which attached to the Cuban Revolutionary Party and advocated independence for Puerto Rico and Cuba from Spanish rule. As part of their activities, a flag was created to rally support for independence from Spain.

Some sources document Francisco Gonzalo Marín with presenting a Puerto Rican flag prototype in 1895 for adoption by the Puerto Rican Revolutionary Committee in New York City at the gathering at Chimney Corner Hall. Marín has since been credited by some with the flag’s design. There is a letter written by Juan de Mata Terreforte, Vice-President of the Puerto Rican Revolutionary Committee, which gives credit to Marin. The original contents of the letter in Spanish are the following:

“La adopción de la bandera cubana con los colores invertidos me fue sugerida por el insigne patriota Francisco Gonzalo Marín en una carta que me escribió desde Jamaica. Yo hice la proposición a los patriotas puertorriqueños que asistieron al mitin de Chimney Hall y fue aprobada unánimemente.”

Which translated in English states the following: The adaptation of the Cuban flag with the colors inverted was suggested by the patriot Francisco Gonzalo Marín in a letter which he wrote from Jamaica. I made the proposition to various Puerto Rican patriots during a meeting at Chimney Hall and it was approved unanimously.

Marín, who decided to have a proper flag sewn based on the prototype, presented the new flag’s design at Chimney Corner Hall and the Puerto Rican Flag (with the light blue triangle) soon came to symbolize the ideals of the Puerto Rican independence movement.

In a letter written by Maria Manuela (Mima) Besosa, the daughter of the Puerto Rican Revolutionary Committee member Manuel Besosa, she stated that she sewed the flag. This created a belief that her father could have been its designer. In her letter she described the flag as one which consists of five stripes that alternate from red to white. Three of the stripes are red, and the other two are white. To the left of the flag is a light blue triangle that houses one white five-pointed star. Each part of this flag has its own meaning. The three red stripes represent the blood from the brave warriors. The two white stripes represent the victory and peace that they would have after gaining independence. The white star represented the island of Puerto Rico. The blue represents the sky and blue coastal waters. The triangle represents the three branches of government.

It may never be known who truly designed the current flag, however what is known is that on December 22, 1895, the Puerto Rican Revolutionary Committee officially adopted the design which represents the current flag. Today however the light blue triangle has been replaced with a darker blue triangle similar to that of the United States Flag.

Embrace Your Inner Goddess

In January of this year in the home of a friend (who I originally met on Facebook, yes Facebook) I attended a spiritual retreat that absolutely changed the direction of my life. I was at a point in my life where I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do with myelf. I was feeling unhappy, unsure, doubtful, & felt empty.

Despite all of my accomplishments like my great career, having a loving husband, a beautiful home, and a loving family I still felt that something was missing but I wasn’t sure what it was. I went there not knowing what to expect but hoping that this retreat that promoted itself as “spiritual cleansing and healing for the soul” would provide me with whatever it was that I was lacking in my life. 

I kept an open mind and an open heart and when I arrived, what awaited me was a room full of women who each had the same thought “It’s time for me to take care of me”. There were about 12-14 women who all had a desire to reclaim themselves. I had no idea how lost I was until this Visiones retreat that was being facilitated by Gloria M. Rodriguez, founder of De Almas Women’s Collective.

The De Almas Women’s Collective, is an organization whose mission is to promote the physical, mental, emotional and spiritual transformation of women through individual and group activities designed to strengthen and build capacity for healing and self-actualization. Its vision is to establish sacred and supportive community for self-awareness, empowerment, spiritual development and emotional healing. 

DeAlmas utilizes a feminine centered model for empowerment and esteem work, and facilitates women in becoming more self-loving, authentic, powerful and peaceful in relationship with themselves. The founding of DeAlmas fulfills a spiritual and passionate purpose to provide/invite women to reclaim and trust our feminine gifts, thrive, celebrate and create new facility to live more authentic and full lives.  Our divine mission encourages individual transformation as the foundation for social change.

At the retreat I found myself again. With the amazing facilitation of Gloria Rodriguez and through meditation, self-reflection, and self-work I was able to tap back into my spirit and nourish it with what it was missing. LOVE. Somewhere along my journey through life I stopped loving myself like I should have. I realized that I had spent so much time trying to please others that I was neglecting myself and my own true desires and dreams. The De Almas Visiones retreat helped me to realign myself with my heart’s deepest desires.

Now 6 months into the new year I am at a better place with myself than I’ve ever been. I am LOVE. I give LOVE. And because of this the universe returns LOVE to me. My life has changed significantly since that day in January. I am more at peace with myself. I wake up each morning with an attitude of gratitude. My Visioneras sisters help keep me focused on my intentions/desires and support me whenever I need it. I have never experienced such genuine love and support from women that I haven’t known very long.

Building strong relationships with women is so important especially in a society that is constantly trying to pit us against each other. There is nothing wrong with supporting another woman. If one of us is successful then we can all be successful.

Through De Almas I have learned to be more patient, more trusting and more faithful. My outlook on life is different. Open yourself up to your desires and truly visualize them and they will manifest into your life. I have experienced it which is why I am now a believer.

To all of the women that read my blog I am offering you a gift. On Saturday June 25th I invite you all to embrace your inner goddess by joining me at the 2nd Annual Goddess Festival in Central Park in NYC.

Don’t miss this soul filled event, gathering with other Daughters of the Divine Feminine in celebrating our wholeness, creativity,soul expression, body sensuality, and connection with mother nature. It is sure to be an amazing afternoon of sisterhood.

PLEASE JOIN US in celebrating ourselves.

Our gathering will include:

Belly dancing, healing circle, goddess creations, food & fun, SheSpeaks poetry, singing, testimonials, walking meditation to a waterfall,Tribute/Honoring water, Flower ritual, Emboddied affirmations, networking.

**Female children welcome. There will be children’s workshops facilitated by skilled childcare workers.***

BRING blankets, chairs, Food/Drinks to share, and a bright colored scarf.

You MUST RSVP to this event @ Dealmasinfo@gmail.com
(Please indicate # of children and adults attending)

For more info on Dealmas Women’s Collective check out the website www.dealmas.org or their Facebook Page www.facebook.com/dealmas

(5/30) Food for My Soul

I’m a hungry beast

devouring ignorance with

each stroke of my pen.

 

Today’s poem is in the form of a haiku. Haiku is a Japanese style of poetry that combines form, content, and language in a meaningful, yet compact form. The first line usually contains five  syllables, the second line seven syllables, and the third line contains five syllables (5,7,5).  A Haiku must “paint” a mental image in the reader’s mind. This is the challenge of Haiku – to put the poem’s meaning and imagery in the reader’s mind in ONLY 17 syllables over just three lines of poetry!

 

(3/30) Call to the Spirit

The wind whispers regrets as

I bathe in the fragrance of your memory

Nurturer,

Supporter,

Independent

Woman

Where have you gone?

And almost as if

an apparition

you appear

smelling of Benson & Hedges 100’s

I can hear you,

feel your presence

as I stare into your charcoal eyes

searching for the answer to the question

that I never got to ask.